Christmas/Holidays 2011

Christmas is a wonder time of the year. Traditionally it is a time where families get together and have a most festive time. In the past years this time has changed and evolved. Instead of just families getting together it has evolved into friends, lovers and others getting together during this time of year. The holidays are a time where people who normally would not be together any other time of the year get together. Last Christmas I was with friends. We had a Gay ol' time cooking, laughing, drinking and just enjoying each others company...This year I will be spending Christmas once again in So Cal. It will an interesting Christmas as I really do not have any plans. Most likely it will be with my best friends family with a TON of over eating. As of late I have realized that even though my Christmas and New Years have all been pretty memorable and amazing I have been single. I am truly looking forward to that this time of the year where I am spending time with my special someone. Whether it is with friends in tow or not. It will be truly epic.

Unsent Letter

In life sometimes there are things left unsaid. Sometimes there are those moments that you wish could happen, but never do. The other day I came across a letter I wrote to a special someone. At the time I was feeling a sense of longing. Yearning for them to be with me. Only in California for a year at the time. Makes me wonder why i never sent this letter. Why I still have not parted with it.... "... I've been in Cali for almost a year now. It is so weird and surreal to think that is has been that long since i last saw you. The last time I was in Philly, my attempt to surprise you with a visit, failed. My cell died and for about an hour as i sat contemplating how to get in, no one walked out. It did not even cross my mind that i could have knocked on your window through the back alley. I was taken back and just speechless when i received your post card in the mail. Even though much was not written, i felt EVERYTHING. Every feeling for you I have been trying to forget came rushing back. I live, we live so...so far apart from one another. I thought it would be easier to forget you. The problem is that i really do not want to forget you. I wish nothing, but for you to be out here in California. I just want you to come on your own accord. It is difficult to write and not get choked up. I just want you here with me. Live in Cali. We date and court one another all over again. Life is about taking chances and i am all for them. I am just afraid if we do not work out then what will you do. I would hate for someone to move three thousand miles for me and then be left out alone in the cold because it was not "meant to be." i care for you greatly and wish nothing more than a happy life. I just need to be realistic, yet keep secretly wishing. You are truly an ultimate dream that i wish would come true. Gabriel

Reflection/This Life

As I sit here and stare at my reflection I ponder... I wonder how this person standing in front of me came to be. Why have I been chosen to lead this path in life. How am I so blessed to chosen to do this. At times I wonder what has happened. What have i done to get here. How exactly did I get here. There are so many out there wishing they could be in my shoes. I think to myself, I do not want this life. I think to myself, so many would kill for this life. What are these feelings I am having. Why do I feel this way? Why do I suddenly have all these questions? These dreams I've been having lately make me wonder. Make me question my life. Is it truly what i wanted? Is this what I have worked for? Only time will tell I guess...

Who You Are

Who are you is who you are. It matters not what others think. Trying to fit in. Trying to be someone else and not realizing your own potential. The other day I was catering a holiday party for my ski/snowboard club. This was most definitely a difficult task as it tested me. Staying true to myself. Staying true to my vision. There were many adversities in the planning of this event and menu. I seriously felt like I was being doubted the whole way. Although the end result was a total success. This got me thinking... Being true to who you are is so important. Even when you are feeling like you should change for another. Change for a group in order to stay current, fit in, or just feel a sense of belonging. What we sometimes do not realize is that being true to who we are makes us incredible. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes we feel there is no other way. We do not want to look back and wonder what happened. Thinking to one's self, "How did I get here? What happened to me? The real me. This is all apart of the journey we call life. Remember, "Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing and it is OK to not be OK." Don't lose who you are. I truly believe and am pretty sure. Who you are is pretty incredible. Everybody hurts sometimes. It is apart of what makes us who we are. All the experiences we have in our life happen for a reason.

The One That Got Away

A majority of us have that one person we call 'The One that got Away'. I personally have been thinking about this one lately. Katy Perry has a new song with this title. I discovered it recently thanks to my wonderful spotify player. This got me thinking about time. What if we could turn back time? What if we could actually go back to that one moment where we realize we lost them? The point where you see that you have screwed up and wish you could change it. That one moment that truly could of made everything diffent. Changed your future. For better or worse, we shall never know. I have realized though that we cannot turn back time for a reason. Everything that happens in our lives always happens for a reason. Usually in that moment, we do not realize what exactly is going on. All we can see is what could have been different. All we could think about is going back. Going back and fixing the moment. Later in the future we recall this moment. There is usally something that triggers it conciously or subconciously. On one side it makes us smile and on the other side it makes us sad. I hope for everyone that the happiness always out weighs the sadness. "The One that Got Away" Has helped me grow and become a better person. I hope for those who have their own 'one that got away' feels the same. To those that are still broken hearted or a feeling a little better. Worry not. It really does get better. It is very cliche to say but, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel." Sometimes it takes some longer to see it than others...

New York New York

Recently I ventured back to my hometown to run the Men's Health Urbanathlon. It was truly a liberating experience. The months of training i put myself through have truly paid off. I felt so exhilarated and perfectly balanced as I was running this course and getting through all of the obstacles. Being back in the city felt just RIGHT. I am still unsure of what it is, but being back home in New York just makes me feel so incredible. Also, everytime I leave I feel incredibly melancholy for about a week. One day I may move back to that irristable city. All of my friends tell me it is truly inevitable. Who knows...I will admit I slowly become to Love California more and more. Although there is just still nothing like New York City....

It's Been A While

It has been a while since I have actually written a post. I ended up completely demolishing my computer a few months ago. It seriously has been incredibly difficult to write without out it. Although I will have to say...Being without technology is pretty liberating. There is nothing better than being able to focus on oneself. I have literally been focusing on me for the past few months. These past few months have been eye opening and have helped me grow. One thing I have realized is that you seriously have to work to make it look easy. Balancing living your life along with dealing with all of your personal responsibilites and goals...Anywho I am back and thankful to be able to write again.

Cheers

Sometimes

Some days I just don’t know. Sometimes I’m lost. Somehow I find my way. There are those times where I feel completely alone. Afraid of my future. Afraid of what is going to happen next. I wonder…why do I feel this way? Will these feelings ever change? Years go by and I get older. Years go by and I become wiser. The one thing that remains the same are my thoughts about love. My feelings about romance. Some days, I am so sure. Other days, I am just so lost. So unsure of what it is I really want. I try to always go with the flow. I try to take life as it come. “Roll with the punches,” as they say. When someone ask do I know what I really want my answer depends on the day. It all depends how I feel. Sometimes I am full of thoughts. I can express myself so well. Explain what it is that I want in such detail. Sometimes I fumble with my words. Trying to say what it is I want. I never use to feel like this. Ever since you left I just don’t know. I use to know so well. Now without you here I just don’t…

Missing You

“I don’t know how to be something you’d miss.” I remember that night. Remember like it was just yesterday. You told me you loved me. So why did you go, away? I never thought we would end like this. I never thought we would ever have our last kiss. What I would give to be able to push you away again. What I would give to hold you again. I stay in touch with our circle of friends only to inquire how you are. I remember the day you came to my door. So nervous yet excited. I saw it in your eyes. You told me you loved me. I thought this would last forever. I never thought you would change your mind. I use to think one day we would tell the story of us. I guess that is all in the past. I hope you’re doing well. I still hope one day you will realize you wish you hadn’t left. I guess these feelings will always be with me. I will move on, but I know I will always miss you…

Perfect Date/Relationship

We all dream of the perfect date. A few of us have written several variations on our online dating profiles…When we finally get that ‘perfect date’ it is completely surreal. An incredible feeling that you seriously can get caught up and lost in. Very few of us truly express ourselves and say what we really want from another, a potential mate, what were looking for. When we finally meet someone that expresses themselves as much as ourselves, it is refreshing. It feels like we have finally met someone we can see something real with. Although there are those small deal breakers, we hope that in time compromise and communication will fix those things. Talking to a friend the other day we got pretty in depth of what each of us are looking for in another. Figuring and questioning whether either one of us are ready for a partner. Whether we truly want a partner at this point in our lives. It is always interesting to hear what your friends think of you. What they feel you want in another. Whether they think you are ready for something serious or not. This conversation got my mind going all night and this morning when I woke up. I wonder at times…Will I ever find that special someone.

Have you...

Have you ever dated someone for a short period of time, but really felt connected and you cannot figure out why. Even though the two of you are no longer together, there is still something. Something that makes you wonder how they are. Wonder what they are making of their lives. All romantic feelings are null and void yet you still care. Still wanting them to know you are there for them. This a feeling that is pretty unexplainable. Especially for a type of person that prides themselves in never getting truly attached. Always able to overcome/getting over the adversities in life. Something to think about. Why is it that we are so afraid of showing our weaknesses? What we consider a weakness others consider a strength or a way to grow stronger. Why is that?...

Direction

Who am I suppose to be anyway. Everyone seems to know besides me. In our lives it is suggested or we are told who we are suppose to be. Someone else always sees a direction for you. A life mission that you should be on and they wonder why you are not. I have always been told I should be in a social enviroment. A social engaging style job that is constantly changing. I agree with this completely. The only problem is overcoming that fear. The fear of failure. Everyone is told you never know until you try. There is nothing to be afraid of and take those chances. One even tells themselves these things every so often. The difference in hearing or telling yourself something is compeltely different from actually doing it. What is it that holds us back? What is it that makes us think we cannot do it? How am I suppose to do this? I guess I'll never know until I try.

Never Told You...Missing You

I never told you how incredible you were. I never told you how much I admired you. The passion you had for such things. The drive you had was incredible. I never told you how thankful I am to have known you. How lucky I felt for you to have come into my life. I never told you what I have should have said. I kept all these things inside. Held them in. All of those times I knew I could come to you for anything. Even if it was just to listen. The greatest moments I cherished were when we use to just sit together on the roof top. We would stare up into the stars in complete silence and contentment. Nothing else in the world mattered and those were the best of times. Without saying a word we said so much. There is so much I miss. So much I wish I would have told you. Today I am missing you. Today I wish you were here. Today I need you here. You were the only one I could truly talk to. The only that truly knew me and truly understood me. You left too soon. Departed to early. I will forever miss you…

Fear

“Too often fear immobilizes people.” Fear is something that holds us back. Prevents our dreams from becoming a reality. Our lives are ever changing. One cannot predict what is going to happen from one moment to the next. Why let fear stand in our way? One can never really know what their future holds. What will happen and is going to happen, if they let fear control the outcome. We must keep marching on and fight through our fears. The outcome could be fantastic…

Somteims it just feels right

There are certain people you just keep coming back to. A certain someone that no matter what you can’t stop thinking about them. Randomly they pop in your head. Sometimes it’s hard to think about them. Sometimes it just feels so right. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Sometimes you have to let go to find out if there is something there. Sometimes you have to go through a little pain to truly appreciate what you have. Appreciate who you have in your life…

Sometimes you figure it out

“Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes good bye is the only way. I was falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart, that’s still bleeding. I try my best to be guarded, but I’m an open book instead.” Moving on. Starting a new. A fresh start. It really is not easy. Even when we find someone new that we feel is better suited for us. We still think about the past. Those past loves. Past relationships. Past experiences. This is not because we wish we were with someone else. It is simply the fact that it takes time to move on. In pain there is healing. No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one ever said it was going to be hard. Growing up we are not taught what to do or how to deal with despair, when someone is breaking our hearts. As we grow up we learn ourselves. We teach ourselves. With each and every person we encounter in our lives we learn something new. Feel something different. An ever evolving feeling and learning experience. The only advice one can truly give another, is to be strong. Stay with it. Never give up. Everything in our lives happens for a reason. We just need to figure out what that reason is each time…

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it truly feels good to be here on this earth another year. On ones birthday everything is suppose to go incredibly smooth and just RIGHT. This got me thinking about a few things…Every year in our lives we celebrate the date of our birth. Living another year and appreciate what we have now, as compared to in the past. Every year we get older and sometimes wiser. This past year I learned a few things about myself. I have been put through the ringer regarding matters of the heart and learned to be more independent and self sufficient. My knowledge of self has grown tremendously. It is true that every year and every day we learn something new. Experience something different in our lives. Recently I have had a lot on my mind with matters of the heart and realizing where I really want to be. This year I know everything will come together…

Drama

Drama I often hear, people would rather do without. I hear other says they live a drama free life. Drama is something that most try to stay away from. For those who are blessed enough to have no drama in their lives sort of crave it. Search for little tid bits of drama. Never truly wanting to be involved. Although they still have that intrigue of what it is like. An experience that is foreign only to a select few. Through movies and television drama can be experienced. Through real life experiences this can happen as well. In speaking with a friend the other day about drama of course I began to wonder…Drama in some people’s lives is extraordinary. In order to have some sort of drive there is a drive. A passion and feeling that is so intense it creates a type of drama. Regarding relationships. Is it healthy to have a little drama in one? Is it unhealthy to have absolutely no drama in one? Every relationship (friends or lovers) needs a moment where feelings are expressed. Yes, these feelings and emotions can be expressed in less dramatic ways. Although what about those fights, debates and arguments. I truly believe every great, true and lasting relationship should have moments of intense emotion. This shows the other how you truly feel about them. Being blasé, chill, or calm all the time or never truly getting heated about anything is sort of ideal. It is not reality. Expressing oneself truly will result in a small tit for tat at times. At other times a huge blow up. These experiences remind us that we are alive. Remind us key elements about life and growing…

Just Don't Fit

Have you ever been in a crowded room surrounded by friends but still feel incomplete? A feeling that you just do not fit? The other day I attended an incredible BBQ. It was full of great food, great friends, tasty drinks and flavorful food. All the while I am with this group I have that recurring feeling. The one that I have been having lately. This is incredible. I love California, but something inside just tells me you don’t fit in. I feel like I do not fit in. Looking around and seeing how others interact with one another, the chemistry of old and new friends, etc…The thought, the feeling that you Just Don’t Fit is a very melancholy feeling. A solution could be another move to another part of California. San Francisco for instance. Maybe I will realize at the end of my discovery period that the west coast is not right for me. I already know I truly love and am an east coaster at heart. Experiences are a part of life. I am always up for an adventure. Taking chances and just finding out more about myself. This move is a prime example. Hopefully by this year’s close I will realize where I should really be. Find my place in this world. Each day I get a little closer. Every moment I feel a little closer…

Understaing/Relating

Moving back home or staying? A constant thought that has been on my mind since I moved out to the west coast. The other day I met a really cool, young, bright and vivacious friend of a friend. She is moving back east for a few reasons. We got to talking about life and such and just making the comparisons. The feeling we get when back HOME as compared to being here in sunny California. Work life, personal life, matters of the heart, etc…All of this really got me thinking. It sort of made me sad and the biggest thing that stuck in my mind. At the end of the day even when you have such an incredible network of people in your life. You still feel alone. It was a strange and surprising statement coming from someone of her stature. Immediately you can tell when someone is easy going, an extrovert and just gets along with most if not everyone. I too could relate to her in a way. I have never truly ever felt alone, but I totally understand where she is coming from. The meaning behind those words. Lately I have been going through a few things. Having a lot on my mind and such. Work wise and more. I know I have a semi charmed kind of life. I guess I need to be reminded how good my life is by getting put through the ringer…

When A Heart Breaks

What does it sound like when a heart breaks? What does it feel like when a heart breaks? In the past I was what I would call a lucky one. One who had never felt this feeling before. Always the one getting out of the situation before my heart truly could break. In the past few months I have had my heart broken. A terrible feeling I will admit. Now in hindsight I will say I was not a lucky one to have been so long without feeling this way. The intense feeling one must have for another in order for this to happen. I wish it did not happen, but it did. I have learned from this. Some wish they would have never felt than to felt and loss. How can one truly live without opening themselves up to this. I have grown from this. The sound a heart makes when it breaks…It’s a tear in the dark. It’s the sound of mistake. It’s like a crack of thunder. The way it feels when a heart breaks is like being crushed, run over and then smashed to pieces. It truly does suck. The positive side of heart break is the feeling one has before it happens. That is a feeling I would and will continue to open myself up to. Hopefully it will not always end in heart break. Only time will tell…

Forever Friend

You came into my life by happenstance. At first we did not initially hit it off. A friend of convenience I thought you were. As time passed I realized you were a ‘Forever Friend’. Someone who I would do anything for and felt the same in return. Anytime you are in need, I am there. Good times we share. Memories to last a life time and a bond that is unbreakable. A brother from another mother I would say. Always honest and upfront, never falter and just an incredible friend. Who knew I would find a friend like you in this world. Even after all the times I feel I could strangle you. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world. So much I have learned from you. Growing up is hard to do. Having an incredible friend like you through this journey we call life, makes it all the easier. This I dedicate to you. Friends come and go. Relationships begin and end. A ‘Forever Friend’ is there through it all. They last a life time…

Moments

Have you ever had that moment when you hear something it just takes you? Makes you smile and just feel good? There is a song by FM Static called ‘Tonight’. It gets me thinking about life and just moments. Those moments that are truly cherished and one can never forget. Gets me thinking about the future and having that special someone with me. Missing them and longing to be with them. Looking forward to those feelings. Those incredible feelings.

Half Way There

Life is full of surprises. Full of ups and downs, heartaches, joys, and just some really random stuff. I have learned a lot from it all. I have grown up a lot from it all. I feel really blessed/lucky to have experienced and be a part of it all. My life would not be what it is today if I had not experienced or been a part of it all. I was on an emotional roller coaster recently. Getting over someone is not always easy. I have learned that. I have learned that there other fish out in the sea. There are personal obstacles that could be holding you back. We have to learn to deal with them and get over them. So much I have learned and the year is not even over yet. We are slowly reaching the midyear point. I wanted to write about my reflection on life. This will be my first full year in California and I have to say it is pretty Awesome. I am getting settled finally. Opening myself up to others now that I am pretty much settled and got my stuff together. I’m feeling really good. I thank God for my life. It truly is a blessed/charmed one.

New Understanding

Lately I have been struggling. Struggling with my feelings. I truly do not understand these feelings that I have. I have always had a complete grip on my feelings. Always the one with all the feelings. Able to figure them out and explain to others. Others would always come to me for understanding. Understanding of what they are going through. What they are feeling. After this last escapade with another I am at a loss for words. I received the call. The call that made me feel great the day after. The call that made everything I already knew come to light. The things is that I am still recovering. I never knew it would take this long. I guess because I have never been let down by another, I did not know/do not know completely how to deal. As time goes by I understand. I feel that I am growing. I am understanding and coming to a new light/aspect on life. For the first time in my life I have thought what if. What if I see them in the future? Will we become friends? Am I ok with friendship? So many ‘what if’ questions I have for myself. I do know only time will tell. What if I have realized is just a part of life. No regrets I have. No tears of sadness because I wish it would have different…

Never Give up On Love

“When Love won’t let you walk away and you can’t help who you love.” No matter how many times you say, “This is it. This is the last time I will ever give all of myself. The last time I will fall for someone and let them in.” Each time we meet someone that feeling has a chance of changing. That feeling has a possibility of doing a complete 180. I always say I will never give up on love, but at times I feel like I wish I could. There are those of us that have been burned, beaten down and just put through the ringer so many times; we wonder why we still are so passionate about love. I wonder about this all the time. My only conclusion/reasoning I can come up with is that Love is just so indescribable and an incredible feeling that one does not want to let it go, or give up on it. Even after all that Love has done to me. I think back of all the good things Love has given me and made me feel. I would not ever want to give that back. At the end of the day, the good things Love has given will always trump the bad.

Feeling Alone

The other day I was feeling pretty lonely. Listening to music about relationships, love, heartache, unrequited love, etc. With an already rough week. This got me feeling pretty down and out. Why is it that when we are feeling a little lonely, we focus those feelings on the last love in our lives? We make ourselves believe it is them that has us feeling this way. Like it is their fault we are alone. Their fault we are feeling this way. The reality is that we are just having one of those days. Everyone has one of those days. Sometimes we do something stupid like try to contact that past love or interest. The next day we realize that it is not them they really want, but just a relationship…

Tough Day

Today. Today is a tough day. Have you ever had that someone? That someone who even though you have completely deleted them out of your life, you cannot stop thinking about them. They cross your mind every so often. It did not end badly. It was neither one of your faults. It was just a point where you did not want to wait around any longer. You ended it and now wish you didn’t. Wish you didn’t delete them out of your life. Wish you could rewind time. Take it back to the moment. The moment where everything seemed so perfect. Today is that day. Today I feel like calling. I want to call. Feeling so stupid for feeling this way. Never wanting to feel this way. Never have I ever felt this way. Wondering what this means. Why this one is making me the crazy one that I vowed to never be. Is this what others go through? Is this how it feels after breaking something off that you really wanted? So many questions? So many things left unanswered. If only I had a chance to actually talk to them. Figure things out. Get some closure. I never truly understood why people need closure. Now I get it…

Advice

All my life I friends, strangers, family members, etc. have come to me for advice. Various individuals confide in me with information that they know will be kept. My mother has always told me that I am the type of person people feel at ease with. The type that they feel is an instant friend. The type that makes others feel they have been friends with me for years and surrounding others feel the same. This got me thinking….How many of us out there are advice columnist for our personal network of friends? For those various individuals we meet in our lives? Unfortunately I have not met many of these individuals in my life. Yes, one only needs at least one friend to confide in. Yet I wish there were more out that just for the benefit of others. So many people need that person they can just talk to. The one they can always go to and know after they leave or end speaking with them. It is going to be ok. The information/experience obtained was real and what you needed.

Love

Love made me Blind. Love made a fool of me. Love made everything seem so perfect. Love made me into a sick puppy. Love made everything seem so incredible. Love has done so much to me. Love has fooled me in so many ways. Love has made me cry. Love has made me feel. Love has made me feel incredible. The good and the bad Love has brought into my life. This time Love has really hurt me. Unsure if I will ever trust Love again. Unsure if I want to ever Love again. Love what have you done to me…

Straight Jacket Feeling

Have you ever had that ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’? The feeling that your life is being sucked out of you by another? At moments in our lives, we get ourselves tangled. Sort of trapped in an unhealthy relationship. This could be platonic or romantic. We are put through the ringer and reach a point where we have that ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’. We reach a point where we hold on by letting go. We realize that we are not the problem, they are. You wish the other could understand or feel what you are feeling. This ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’. Maybe then they would understand. When we let go we begin to be ok. Today you are fine without this person in your life. As time passes, the memory of them slips away. You have a better outlook on life. No longer a feeling that your life is being taken from you…

Why Force It...

uring a recent encounter with a potential love interest. I have come to a realization. One should never have to feel they are the only one putting effort into something. If this is the case then why even bother. There is another in the mix that should be putting just as much effort as you are. This got me thinking….Why is it that we continue to pursue those that are obviously disinterested? Is it because we so badly want them to want us? Or could it be we just feel this one could turn into something great? Even though we want all these things it cannot come about unless the feeling is mutual. Sadly this was not the case for me. The best way to get over someone is to totally delete them out of your life in every aspect. This is what needed to be done. This is what has been done. I do know one thing. I will actually miss this one. Usually it takes a bit for someone to get to me. This one was different. For some reason I actually really cared. I saw something in them that maybe they have yet to see in themselves. Even still I hope they one day realize and live up to their full potential. It is all I can hope for. All I can ask.

Scars

Scars remind us of past memories, mistakes, loves. Scars remind us that the past is real. Listening to “Scars” by Papa Roach today got me thinking…Scars are a beautiful thing. Each one holds a story. A story that only the one with the scar can truly tell. At times a scar may represent heartache but at least we lived through it. It reminds us that the past is real. It reminds us to feel. It reminds us that we have lived. With each scar we learn to grow and become a better person. What to do and not do in the future. Scars in opinion are incredible.

Timing

Have you ever met someone that is everything you have been looking for? Everything you always wanted, only to realize the timing is not right? Timing truly is everything. One can meet someone that has all of the qualities they want in another, but because of timing, they cannot be together. The two are in different places in their lives. Each wanting so badly to be with the other. If only they met a few years later, maybe it could have worked. One should not wait around for the other. It is sort of a serendipitous moment. If the two are meant to be together than there will be another time. Later on down the road they may meet again. The timing may be right the next time…

Go with the Flow

Taking it slow or just going with the flow. Is there any harm with going with the flow? Not having a feeling like you are rushing into anything. Just a feeling of wow this is moving fast, but it’s cool. You like the feeling and the feeling is mutual. Why not just go with it? Too many times we receive advice from others or even the one we are with. They feel the romance is moving too fast. Sometimes there is such an incredible and out of this world connection that we should just go with it. So what if others think it will not last. What matters most is what the two in the relationship think…

How do you Know...When it's over

How do you know? How do you know when it is over? Was it over before it began? As we begin to date someone, we know if it is going to last. We know if it will be just something for the moment. Meeting someone and wishing they could be the one for the long haul. We know inside this is not the case. We know they will only be around for a short while. At times, because we want someone to be the one. The one that is around for the long haul, we become more attached than we should. When that moment hits us and we realize it is over. We are a little hurt inside. The other will never know how hurt we are. They will only know that it is over as well. The two of you know it, but until one speaks up…The two of you continue to head down this downward spiral. Eventually hitting a point where it ends in a most undesirable way. Breakups are never easy. Breakups are never pretty. The thing is we should end a relationship, hanging out, or whatever it is called when we know it is over. Holding on only makes it harder and hurt more in the end.

Someone

So Lonely Inside, So busy out there. All you want is somebody who cares. Someone who thinks of you as much as you think of them. Someone who would go the extra mile to see you, to do something for you. Someone who loves all of your flaws. The quirky and strange parts of you. Someone who just knows you inside and out and appreciates you. When you are away from them, they miss you and you feel it. Sure there are parts you wish you could change, but you still love every part. They still love every part. All you want is someone who gets you. They just somehow get you. Once you meet this someone, you wonder where you went right. It is a mystery how you got here, but at the end of the day somehow you get it. Somehow now you do…

Liking Someone

"It doesn't matter if you like boys or girls. It is finding the right person. That is one of life's great mystery. When that person comes along, you'll know. Everyone else you have ever been with, it just pales in comparison. It will not matter what anyone else thinks, because you'll be happy and you'll know." Coach

Thoughts on His Mind

He sits at his desk staring intently at his spreadsheets. From the untrained eye, it would seem as though he is truly into his work on this very day. What others do not see, is that he is unable to concentrate. Thoughts on his mind. Thoughts of a her…He wonders, where she came from. How he is lucky enough to get a girl like this. There is so much he thinks and wants to tell her. Although, his ego and masculinity prevents him from ever showing his true feelings, so soon. On the exterior he plays it cool. Never falters…As he leaves work and arrives home, he begins to zone out once again. Lost in thoughts of her. Thinking about the way she moves, the curves of her body, the way she smiles and is always so modest about her achievements. Her winning personality and incredible charisma. Those eyes. The eyes that seem to look deep in his soul every time they connect with his. Where does one find a girl like this. There has to be something wrong with her, he thinks. Always guarded and afraid to let another in. The last girl he truly let in, tore him apart. She broke his heart and shattered it to pieces. Wanting this one to be different, he begins to take that chance. Moving at a much slower pace than usual. Forming a type of friendship, but at the same time, a romance. Unsure of his feelings at times, but knowing this is the one he wants to be with…

Today

Today I realized. Realized how much you were mistreated. For so long I never realized. I now understand why you are so closed off. Afraid to let anyone close. Afraid to let anyone in. I know you have been hurt in the past. Burned by those close to you. The ones you trusted and loved for so long. Family, Friends, Lovers…A tough life you have had. A life I would not wish on anyone. In this new place you can start anew. Create your own family and friends. Who says family has to be blood. I can be a part of your family. A friend that is there for you. Eventually a network will develop. Friendships will develop. A family created. You will have created a new life. Have everything you ever dreamed of. A Lover you have only dreamed about. The things that seemed so impossible. The ones you thought could only happen on the big screen, could become your life. You CAN have a happily ever after. You WILL have a happily ever after.

Thoughts on Her Mind

There’s a girl awake late a night. Unable to sleep, with such thoughts on her mind. She sits alone in her room at night and thinks about her life. She wonders how she got here. How did this happen. Thinking these feelings and emotions were locked away forever, never to resurface. Now that she has met someone different and unique in every since. The idea of never truly letting someone in, is once again debated. How could another like this exist. This is impossible. Guys like this only exist in fairy tales. Able to read your thoughts. Sense a feeling of emotion even from afar. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. All of these thoughts run through her mind. She to be optimistic and soon her positive thinking kicks in. Everything seems possible. She is willing to begin this journey. As she drifts off to sleep. She smiles and thinks about the next day. Looking forward to an understanding. Excited for what will happen next. What the future holds is but a mystery…

Guarded

How many of us are guarded when it comes to matters of the heart? Whether it is with our friends or potential love interest? Have you considered, why you are so guarded? I have realized I have a fear of truly being burned again. My first love. The one I truly gave my all to, really got to me. I was in tears and so broken hearted that I vowed to never feel that way ever again. Now that I’ve met someone who seems like they could be the real deal, I must learn once again to open up. Give as much as I am getting. It is only fair to do so and the only way for the potential of a relationship to transform into an actual relationship.

Connected

Is it possible to be connected with someone so soon after meeting. Less than a month passes and you feel connected to this person. The other night I was in a restless state. Laying in bed trying to fall asleep, but could not for some reason. Usually I never have any issue passing out/falling asleep. I can pretty much sleep anywhere as long as it is not freezing cold. Even then I have done so. While laying in bed I hear this voice. Telling me to relax and saying other things. Now the crazy part about it is that I could swear it was my new potential. I have had a lot on my mind lately and a little worried but how would they know. How could they know what is going on in my mind and be able to soothe and comfort me without actually being present…This got me thinking is it really possible to be connected with someone? In tune with their feelings, thoughts, and emotions? I believe anything is possible, but still a little taken back when it happens to me. As a dear friend of mine says, “The situation is always different when it is happening to you.”

Jumping to Relationship Status

In speaking with a friend the other day i discovered some incredible insight on relationships. Now these are ideas/thoughts that we all have already discovered and know. The thing is, we do not really take it in until it is said by another. In the most ideal relationships, we meet another that we feel is the one. The romance begins at a slow and steady pace and then accelarates so quickly that neither one of you know what hit them. During those first few dates the two of you feel there is so much in common. The goals and aspirations are in sync. The two of you are able to speak on a level that is unmatched by others. The thoughts and energy the two of you have is incredible. These feelings make the both you want to jump to the point of relationship at an accelarated rate. Every romance should not be rushed. Time should be taken to get to know one another. Court each other and build up the romance.

You Know

You know one of my secrets. Something no one else knows. You know. I feel close to you. Comfortable with you. Willing to take a chance and tell you things i would normally keep to myself. Lock inside and never let out. You make me want to open up. Be free of these chains. Free of any burdens. Everything feels lighter when I am with you. When I am away from you I also begin to feel lighter on my own. Able to take on my challenges. New challenges. Dive in head first without hesitation. I hope to one day know one of your secrets. Get you to feel comfortable enough around me to open up. Tell me things you would only tell a stranger, because they don't know you and wouldn't judge you. I want to give you strength. An extra leap in your step and boost of confidence without even realizing it. It's what i want. What I need. What I feel...

Who Knows, I know, I hope

Who knows if you are the one for me. Who knows if I am the one for you. Who knows if this will work out. Who knows if my personal issues will get in the way...I do know that I like you. I know you like me too. I know I want this work. I know it could work. I know I want to take a chance on you. I hope you want take a chance on me. Let whatever this is in the beginning stages, develop into something more. I hope you are the one for me, but who knows....

Afraid

How do you know? How do you know when you meet someone, they are the one that will last forever? The one you want to be with forever? Is it when you think about them all the time? Waking up in the morning wondering what they are doing? Wishing you could see them sleeping next to you? Have them wake up with you, beside you? When the two of you touch it is something like you have never felt before. Something so incredible. You hope in your heart this will be the one. Asking yourself inside, “Can I spend my life with you?” Could we be so afraid of it not working out that we sabotage the relationship? The prospect of a relationship? Afraid of taking the chance and putting our heart on the line? Why not throw all logic out the window and go with what we are feeling instead of our logical reasoning. Love does not make sense. It really is not suppose to. There are many out there that we have no idea why they are together. This is because you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Endevaours

Something New. Something Different. We should  all aspire to take on new endevaours in our lives. A new challenge. Start of a new adventure. Even if we do not end up liking the end result. The experience  we gain from each activity is priceless, timeless and at times...Classic.

Something Different

It was a cool summer night when they first saw each other. The moment their eyes met, they both wondered about this new feeling. A feeling for a stranger. Someone they do not know. Each thinking to themselves, “Who is this person. Why do I feel so connected to them.” One approaches the other and it feels so right, so easy to interact with one another. After time a date ensues. Incredible for one, but the other is a little more hesitant. Thinking this can’t be right. There must be something wrong. Trying to figure out these feelings. Asking why it is so right. Wondering if they have finally found their match…Another date ensues and the one breaks through those feelings of hesitation. Thinking, why hold back and miss out on something incredible. Over time more dates ensue. The bond/dates between the two begins to grow. Grows into something more than just casual. It begins become something greater. Their passion and feelings have sky rocketed. Each thinks, “This could be the one.” Months, weeks, days have passed. The two are walking home from an incredible French restaurant. It begins to rain, pour. They begin to run making it to the door step. Staring into each other’s eyes, begin to kiss and embrace one another. One pulls back and says those three words…”I Love You.”

Never Knew (Thoughts)

There are so many of us who have friends in need. Friends who need us there in their lives. Need to be saved/rescued from a situation they are in. We must speak up and ask if something is wrong. They will not always tell you, for there is fear of judgment or disapproval on your part. Remain open and make the other feel they can come to you with anything. Above all else remember to ask if you even have a small inkling that something maybe wrong. You could be saving someone’s life. Helping them go on and live a life they never thought could be obtained…Life is a gift and what an incredible one at that. Not everyone may be able to see this on their own. That is why friends are there to assist them in seeing how great life could be/can be. IS...

Never Knew

I never knew how much were hurting. I never realized how much you needed. I never knew you were reaching out for me. Crying inside, hurting inside. Wishing someone would come along and rescue you. I never thought you wanted any help, needed any help. You seemed so self sufficient. So independent and able to do everything on your own. Taking care of everyone, including yourself. A master of disguise you were. Always the one others looked up to. Others aspired to be you. Your name mentioned in various circles. Always praised, never slandered. Having no idea you were actually the one who wished you could be what everyone else thought you were. For so long I thought we were the best of friends. Maybe we were, but now I will never know for sure. In my heart I truly believe you did love me. We were the greatest friends ever to be united. No other friendships could compare. Now that you are gone I will never know for sure. You took your life and left me this note. A note of only two words, “I’m sorry.” Thinking in my head I have no idea what that means. We always said we would never be sorry for anything when it came to one another. I now feel there is so much I never knew about you. This discovery hurts me inside. Gets me thinking how many of my other friends do I really know. You were my confidant. The one I knew I could always come to for advice and comfort. I thought I was the same for you. I am still hurting inside. Thinking back to those times we had together. All of our crazy antics. I cry as I think of those moments. Oh how I miss you. Wishing I could have saved you. Knew what was going on. If only, if only I would have been there more. I thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t. I have so many questions. So many questions that can never be answered. No one knows the answer but you. So much of your life I feel I never knew. Never knew. Never knew…

Love was...You

Love was something I looked forward to. Love was what got me through the hard times. Those moments where I felt I could not go on. Love was everything to me. I was engulfed in love. Life without love was something I never thought could happen. Without Love in my life I thought I would die. The intensity and happiness I felt with Love was indescribable. Love was my life. I thought about Love every day. Waking up in the morning and going to bed at night, Love was always on my mind. You were my love. My version of love. I don’t think you ever knew. Never knew the way I felt. The intensity of my feelings. How dependent I came. Maybe you did know. Maybe this is why you are no longer in my life. You wanted me to understand what love really is. You knew while we were together, All I could think was…Love was…You

Didn't Know

Sometimes Love comes at the most unexpected of times. You can be out ready to see an old friend and meet the love of your life. All of sudden you are engaged in a conversation that you hope will never end. Love knocks you down and all you can do is get back up and take it. Just smile and think wow this is incredible. You know this is what love is. After all of the past loves, you thought you loved before. You now know, you didn’t know what love was until this one came into your life. ..

Situations

Have you ever had the most incredible day, to only receive the most devastating news towards the end? Something so tragic that it shoots right through you? What does one do when this happens? Go on living their life? This is incredibly easy to say to someone. Especially if you are not or never have been in this type of situation. A situation where you feel down and out. Thinking to yourself. Why? How could this happen to me? What have I done so wrong in life to deserve this? These are just a few things that goes through your mind. One can get over it in time. A support group of friends and family always help. It is an incredible feeling to know you have at least one person there for you. That one friend you know will be in your life no matter what. Even when life is at its worst there is always an upside to the situation. It usually is not clear at first, but hopefully one day seen we shall all realize what it is.

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The day where you get to do extra for that special someone in your life. I often hear one does not need to do anything for another on this day. They have been good to them all year round. Why not let the other do a little extra something on this incredible day. People are together because they care for each other. On Valentine's Day a couple feels they can do a little something extra crazy. Express their feelings for the other at a heightened level. This day could begin an intense romance. Pretty much I believe Valentine's Day is not over rated. It is a day where everyone gets an extra boost of confidence to do something for the one they care about.

Opening Up

Why is that we feel much more comfortable writing down our thoughts instead of expressing them? When we feel we have something to say, instead of actually speaking up and revealing what is on one's mind we write. Being expressive verbally is such an incredible release. It frees one of any regrets, what if's, etc...Opening up is hard sometimes but necessary to truly reveal who you are.

Success

Have you ever noticed that when one moves up in life, there always is one upset with your success? It could be the ones you thought were the closest to you, the distant friends you only see every once in a while. No matter what there's always at least one upset about you proceeding in life. Why is that? Is there something wrong with bettering yourself? Living the dream and achieving goals set for oneself? I think not

Wrong One/Right One

What is love? Love is being with someone who accepts you for who you are. Have you ever been with someone that just thought you did everything wrong? Thought you were a mess and just plain stupid, useless and hard to please. Then you meet someone who thinks the total opposite. They want to show you off to the world. Take you anyplace and never embarrassed to be seen with you. They think you are funny, and irresistible. The most incredible person they have met in a long time. All of those little quirks and flaws you have are just a grain of sand to this one. You now feel appreciated and not hated anymore. You realize how much better you feel with this one. In the past you felt beaten down… Now you think, “Where did I go right? How did I get you?” You have no idea how you did, but somehow now you do. Talking to a friend the other day I realized there are many of us that stay in a doomed relationship because it was convenient, a sure thing or just easier than being alone. A mistake almost everyone has done in their dating career. Later down the road we realize how early in the beginning it could have been prevented…

Maybe

Maybe I did love you. I was afraid to tell you. Afraid of what you would have said. Maybe I left because I was afraid. I had to get out of there. I lost my way down there. It’s easy to get lost in fear. Maybe the end is the beginning. Maybe I will find my way. Come back with a new sense of clarity. We could become something pretty incredible. Maybe you will be there waiting for me. Maybe you will have moved on. Found love without me. Found another who stands where I stood. Another who gives you all the things I never could. Maybe I will be too late. Too late to get back in your life. Maybe I will finally realize all that I had. All that I lost. Learn from this experience. Find a love of my own. Not be afraid and do it right this time.

Learning

The other day I had lunch with an ex of mine. We had a pretty whirl wind of a relationship. It went from Incredible to downright disastrous. There were so many things in hind sight I realized could have been prevented. Also, I see the decision made was a great one as there would have really been no chance of it ever lasting. This was an incredibly bright and structured person, but not someone I could grow or be with for the long haul. I realized through this relationship what I thought I wanted/needed in a relationship is not exactly what I wanted/needed. Sure it is possible to get those things we really want/need in a relationship. I just realized what I truly wanted and did not want. The values, goals, morals, energy and passion should be similar. I realized I want to enjoy every moment with that person and not hide my joy from anyone. To have to hide the intense happiness one feels about another and never really able to share with the world is a tragedy. I also realized the improvements I needed to make in my life in order to really appreciate and have someone in my life. So far I have accomplished a few of the goals I have set for myself. After all one cannot really ask another to have the qualities we want without having them in ourselves first. This would just not be fair. Relationships are always a gamble. At one point or another it is inevitable for one to hit the jack pot. Look back and think all of those others lead you to this point.

Living in the Past/Growing up

Reading the paper today I realized, there are many out there living in the past. How long can one continue to live in the past before the present and future give them a huge dose of reality? I have met a few people living in their glory days. The time where everything was perfect. They felt like the ‘Big Man’ on campus. Is this because they are afraid of stepping out of their comfort zone? What makes one so afraid to move on with their lives? Take that next step and become an adult. Growing up is never really easy. Some days you feel like the world is out to get you. Others you feel like you hit rock bottom. Then you have those reality check moments where you think, “Wow, this is growing up. I am becoming an adult.” All of this is part of growing up. Never forgetting about the past but learning from it. Taking that wisdom with you in your life and becoming a new and improved you. We cannot worry about the past and think, “What If?” Gotta keep moving on and do our best living in the present, looking towards the future. Reminiscing in the past is cool sometimes, but living it is not so cool or healthy for that matter.

Initiative

As of late I have been taking the initiative in matters of the heart. In speaking with a friend I realized that I never actually have. I honestly have never been the one to take the first step. I have always been the one being approached. This is an ideal situation, but leaves one without the skills of how to start conversations with love interest. I am learning this the hard way, but it feels good. I can now understand the feelings others have when they are rejected by another. The moment where you are on such a high thinking, “I got this.” Only to be turned down. Also, I have made myself more aware of pop culture and current events. After all these are all things one must know in order to hold conversation at times. All in all I am incredibly happy to be taking the initiative and putting myself out there. It most definitely has been scary to do at first, but I am adjusting. Learning body language and the point where you just know if someone is into you or not…

Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday was yesterday. A time where friends, family and sometimes random characters get together in a centralized location to watch Americas most beloved game. FOOTBALL…I spent this day with a few friends, extended family and random characters. I met the most interesting people as well as a love interest…It was an incredible day of great drinks and TONS of food. I could not have asked for anything more. At one moment I realized how good my life really is here in California. I have obtained such an incredible structure of friends and friends parents that I like to call “extended family.” The love interest I met was quite interesting. I am not sure if the feeling is mutual or not. The fact that there was such an abundance of alcoholic beverages always makes me wonder of which side of the person is talking. Yes, I believe there is always some truth in others actions and speak even when they are inebriated. Although, one should be sure of what part is true before reacting…

Friends

Friends are incredible. I thank God everyday for the friends I have in my life. Without them i seriously do not know where i would be. At times friends have a reality check. A moment in their lives where they wish they would of done things differently. The only thing one can really do is learn from what happened in the past and move on. Understand why your friend feels this way and work on yourself to be a better person. I recently had this type of moment. I tend to always tend to write the things down i feel my friends would not understand. That moment in life where i feel they just would not listen or hear what i am saying. The thing we all must realize, is if we are friends with someone we should tell them what is on our mind all the time. This is the only way to truly be best friends. Why hold anything back. Is it really for your friend or are you afraid of confrontation? Afraid of losing that one dear friend you would not replace for another in the world...

December 17th 2007

Reading Old Entries is Always Amazing. I've come so far in my life...

New Years Reflection:

So it is almost that time. The time where everyone begins to contemplate all of their New Year resolutions. This always gets me thinking. Thinking about what has happened to me, how I have changed, grown throughout the year, and how far I have come. This year I have made new friends, become closer with current friends, and grown apart with others. Friendship is truly the most important thing in my life. Everyone should have someone in their life to go, be there for them, or just chill out with. The friends that I have grown apart from will always be apart of my life in someway. They have all made an impact on me and I have learned and grew from them all. Through my new found friendships I've learned that everyone does need someone there for them no matter what. I have always practiced this but it has become more relevant as time has passed.

I've learned that is OK to need someone. So many people say that you should never need anyone in your life. You should want them in your life. I have come to realize that it is actually a little of both but one more than the other as it grows. Relationships are amazing. They do take work no matter what anyone says. Yes, you shouldn't have to push for something in the beginning because if it was truly meant to be it would not be so hard. Everyone that has been in my life I've learned to be more and more open with them. It really is hard to open up to someone with the chance of getting hurt but you know what, it's ok. These things happen and if you don't just put yourself out there and take that chance. It is never really worthwhile. One thing I never want to do is look back and think what if. What if I did more? What if I just said that one thing or did that one thing? It would truly haunt me for my life if I had to do that. This goes with everything I do though. Lately I have been incredibly upfront with people and not holding back. If people really feel the way you think they do or hope, you will never really find out unless you confront them or just ask. It never does hurt to ask anyone anything. Always best to just get through it and deal with the situation instead of letting it grow into something that it is not.

Everyone knows me as the incredibly optimistic, happy go lucky guy. This is true about me but as with everyone I do get down sometimes. I really try not to dwell on anything. I strongly whole heartedly believe that if it was meant to be it will be. "What will be, Will be as some say. If it's going to happen it will, if not then eh so what. Move on, learn from it, and make, do, or be a better person because of it. Sometimes it hurts and is difficult to move on but, "What does not kill you makes you Rambo." The other night I was watching this movie and one thing the actor said in it is. "You know in a crazy sort of way I am glad that It happened. Cause you gotta get knocked down to get back up and all that." He was talking about being cheated on and how it felt. But putting in context with life in general. Think about it, sometimes life has to kick you in the butt in order to realize your strength, what you are capable of, realize who you are and all.

This year has truly been a mind blowing, life altering year. I've traveled to so many places. Been through a lot of let downs and disappointments but through it all I am still standing and stronger than before. I am incredibly grateful for those that have been there and also to myself for having the will to bare it all alone when I had to. I'm even more grateful for the new friendships I have made. I've grown to be a better person and still have some growing to do. This life is a journey and until it ends I'm living every day to its limit. Carpe Diem, Carpe Diem. Always looking forward, learning from the past but never looking back. No Regrets. Looking forward to the new adventures I shall encounter in life

Jersey Throw Back

Tonight I have been reading through my journal and want to post a few old entries. They are all truly Amazing...It's funny how my life in California has been anticipated for so long.

Just about life

Current mood:artistic

Today has really been a chill/mellow day. I listened to Jack Johnson pretty much all day. Yeah I'm a California surfer at heart. I know. I've been told. This just got me thinking about life. Past, Present, and future. I miss living in the city, but at the same time i feel so lucky to be here in the quiet country like neighborhood. On days like these i feel so incredible to be able to enjoy the beauty of nature without all the hustle and bustle of the city. This truly is a beautiful world we live in and people sometimes need to step back and just take a look around. Even in the worst of situations and surroundings. Still have to find the beauty in it. I've always been the type that loves being around people, interacting, all the time. Living in the city that was pretty much every day. Becoming street smart and then becoming book smart second. Being able to go anywhere and just go out at anytime without the worry of something closing and having no where to go. I've learned though while living in jersey. Life isn't all about that. You learn that the simplest things are truly the greatest moments in life. I love alone time cause i do not at all get it enough. At the same time being with a friend, driving around aimlessly with no destination in sight. Random road trips. Random destinations. Driving to the beach on a chilly winter day but still being able to have every bit of fun if not more as you would in the summer. Chilling outside of Wendy's just talking about life or nothing at all. Such Incredibly Amazing times i've had. Best times of my life.

Looking towards the future and the present. Life just seems to only be getting better. Friendships becoming tighter, learning from past mistakes, and just moving on with my life.

In a few months I will be living in San Diego, CA. I'm scared and incredibly excited at the same time. It is the first time that i will be living alone for such an extended period of time. Will i return to the east coast. Who knows. I use to be sure and say yeah I'm coming back. But not now i honestly don't know. Only time will tell. I'm excited for new friends i will make, Amazingly Brilliant adventures await, and experiences that i know will be with me for a life time.

Ahh i just had all of these thoughts inside me. Had to get them out. I know to some this might not make any sense at all but to others this will surely just be as clear as day. Anyway what i am saying is thanks for reading everyone. Love you always and forever even if sometimes you don't feel it.

On my Mind

This past weekend was incredible. I had the most amazing time being with friends that I have not seen in a while and celebrating the success of graduation for others as well. One thing that has completely stuck in my mind though was something one of my dear friends said. They recently have been having problems with their significant other and it's most likely over. They said, "It Is just not worth going through all of the emotions and usual goings of a relationship if this is how it turns out." I just totally had to disagree with that. I mean no matter what, I believe that it is always worth going through with a relationship even if it does turn sour. You learn from everything that happens in your life and to say that it's just not worth it. Absurd. Nothing in life is certain. Every time you start to pursue a relationship it is taking a risk. Leaving yourself open and taking that chance that maybe this one is the one. The one that will make you love and love you back. I want real love, inconceivable, can't get enough, whole hearted, intense love. Now I know some people are like that's crazy but, to settle for less to me is what is really crazy. Relationships take work and just passion. You have to want to do this. I know it hurts but without taking such risk, one would end up just being alone all their life and unhappy. No matter what anyone says everyone needs someone. Whether it is friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. You have to feel that your life is complete first and love yourself before anyone is going to love you. A lot of people bring this up and say it time and time again, but it still stands true.

Thoughts on Life

The Road to Independence takes time but it's always a better when you can turn to someone and say thanks for being there...Life has had its ups and downs, lost friends, broken hearts, etc...But one thing I have always kept with me, is to never doubt myself. Life is simple, You make choices and don't look back. No Regrets. Just wanna say no matter what, people should always be there for you, if it's just to listen to someone vent, help out a stranger, or just simply be there. Life is hard enough as it is. We all need that extra little boost at some point in our lives.

Lost and Alone

Just another day. Another day alone. Though I show a smile. There is so much I hide. I can’t find a way to relate. Who Am I suppose to be? Everybody seems to see except for me. In the beginning I did everything to try and fit in. The others just couldn’t, just wouldn’t look past the surface. I lost all emotion. Lost all feeling. When will I feel again? I would give up forever to know. Take a look at the life of the lost and lonely. Lost in this world I hide. Always going unnoticed. Wanting to find my direction. Will I be afraid once I find it? I wish I knew. When will love ever find me? All my life, all I’ve wanted is to be loved. Life seems like a movie. I bleed to just to feel alive. Anything to know I am alive. If I could, then I would. I would show the world. Show them who I am. Accept me or not I would be me. The person I am looking for. The one who is brave and resilient. Able to take life as it comes. No longer go unnoticed. Finally able to shine. Every night I dream. Dream that I am happy. Living such an incredible life. Standing on my own two feet. Able to accept myself for who I am. Feeling emotion. Feeling inside. Smiling internally because I can feel. A warm feeling it is. If only this dream was real. If only…

Age

Regarding relationships. I often hear, “Age is nothing but a number; You cannot help who you fall in love with.” I would deeply like to agree with this, but a friend got me thinking the other day. When we begin dating someone of an older age and see a future together. How long can it last? Dating another about 10-12 years older is great for right now? Why not for the long term? Looking into the future with another is a great thing. Say one is 28 while the other is 40. A future together could still be great, depending on the agility and liveliness of both parties. When one is 48 the other is 60. What works for one couple does not always work for another. On the tube we see many couples with a large age range. At times it is a ship guided by the lighthouse through the storm. Other times they come crashing into the harbor. We all want to eventually settle down and grow old with someone. With a larger age difference is this possible? There are so many factors that can come into play such as health concerns, stamina, maturity level, etc…I fully understand we should all be with another around our age. The thing is I truly believe, “You cannot help who you fall in love with.” I guess it truly does depend on the two in the relationship…

Point

Growing up we are told there will be a time in our lives where we hit the point. The point where we want to settle down. Tired of playing those games. We wake up one day and realize we have everything we need in our lives. Now we want someone to share that with. We want another there to hold, feel, love. Have all of those emotions we hear and see from others in love. What happens in our lives that brings this on? Is it seeing others in love? Seeing the happiness and feelings they have for one another? It could be a combination of things. Some days I think back on past loves and past relationships. Thinking about what went wrong. What could I have changed. What If I did this or that differently. I then reach a point where I am glad they all turned out the way they did. How else would i have learned. Learned what love is. Instead of wasting time with fillers I can settle down with the right one. I think that time in our life happens right after we truly figure out what we want in our lives. We then know the aspects we want out of a partner.

Relationships and Marriage

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. The moment in your life where the two of you are ready to take the next big step. It is like telling someone, “You are the One.” The one you want to spend the rest of your life with…I met the coolest bartender the other day. In speaking with them, I realized how in love and happy they were. It is an incredible feeling to know that kind of love and commitment still exist. I for one love to meet solid happy couples or a person in a committed relationship. It is fascinating and makes one feel good to know this kind of thing still exist. To have that kind of feeling when you are with the ONE, is incredible. I always say, “Relationships are incredible, Love is indescribable.” Meeting this bartender the other day made me think of this again. To describe the intense happiness and contentment they had would not do justice. During our conversation we hit the relationship and matters of the heart topic. My two favorites. How do you know when you want to be with someone for the long haul? I always hear there is a set time frame when you will know. Know that you have met your “Great One.” I beg to differ with this. When meeting someone and starting the dating cycle, after a few dates you should know. Know if you see it going somewhere. Foresee a future together. It is one of those things where you just know. It cannot truly be explained or have set time...Relationships are AWESOME and I love being in one. The feelings you have for each other and the intensity cannot be matched by anything else in this world. The most important thing to remember is relationships are not perfect. There will be disagreements, adjustments, compromising, etc. The thing is at the end of the day, you should be like, “This is it.” There is no one else in the world you want to be with. The next step is the ultimate commitment…Marriage. When you have reached the point where you want the other to know you want to spend your life with them. I truly wish I could encounter more people like the one I met yesterday. They inspire and make you feel better than you already do. Like a boost of happiness…

Stick With You 2

Why do our brains (or hearts) do this to us? Why when we know someone is not right, we still think about them out of nowhere? What makes the difference between the person who remains in our heart and the one we can just forget about? Lately I have been thinking about this and have no definite answer. The relationships we have in our lives are always significant whether we think so or not. Each person we meet came into our lives for a reason. Even if it ended terribly, it was for a reason. Every relationship is an experience to prepare us for the one. We learn what we should do differently, so when the ONE does come along…We can deal. I don’t think we are ever truly ready for love. I just think we can be as situated and stabilized with our lives as possible, so we can accept and appreciate love when it comes. Those people in our lives that we are able to forget about, did not touch us as much as the one’s we cannot forget. Those people never really got to you. They were just fillers. The one’s who pop into our minds at random times are for a reason. A moment where you really wish the trait they had was in another. I believe that maybe those that stick with us each have a little something in them that we want in our idea lover…

Stick With You

Have you ever had someone in your life that you could never forget? No matter how hard you try, they always seem to cross your mind? The littlest things always seem to spark them in your mind? Every so often this happens to me. Even after all the people you’ve dated, this one person always seems to randomly be in your thoughts. Listening to music, hearing a song that has nothing to do with them. Driving to work in the morning and seeing something that makes you wish they could see it too. Now the feeling does not have to still be romantic. You just for some reason want them in your life. All of the times you had together have been classic…Sometimes we meet people in our lives that just always stick with us. Whether they are close by or miles away. They will always remain in your heart. It could be that you want to be with this person, but know it could never be. Circumstances are the only thing that stand in the way. It is not that the two of you have any angst against one another. It’s just a matter of timing. If things were different, it could have worked. Now that you are in a different place in your life. You want to forget them because it is the only way to move on. Live your life and achieve happiness.

Appreciate Them

Too often we take for granted the people in our lives. The great ones. Family, friends, lovers. Those who we assume, will be there forever. No matter what, even if we leave and come back. We assume they will be there waiting for us to come around. The fact of the matter is, they will not always be there. They get tired. We should remember they have their own lives and feelings too. One day you will open your eyes and realize they are nowhere to be found. You have no one to blame but yourself. For never being there for them. For having such a one sided relationship. Taking them for granted for so long…

End of a Friendship

Friendships end. It is just something that happens. Sometimes the people we meet are not meant to be in our lives forever. Some friends are only there to help you along the way. They were only there in our lives because we needed them. In some way we used them in order to grow in our lives. Other friendships end when one can no longer accept the ways of a friend. You get to the point where they continually make the same mistakes over and over again. Eventually you get tired of it. You have voiced your opinion time and time again to deaf ears. There comes a point in your life where you do not want to be there anymore. It is exhausting to constantly have to be there for someone. A friend should want to be there for you. A friend will at some point make a terrible decision for a potential love. The thing is that you can only forgive so many times. You wish they would realize the control they lose around this person. They are just not themselves. All logical reason goes out the window. When they are around this person nothing else matters. No one else matters. The feelings of others are no longer considered. It makes you so hurt that you get to point you just don’t want to deal with it any longer. You love them and want to friends forever, but the end is coming. If only they could realize these things before it’s too late. Maybe then and only then the end will never come.

Just A Feeling

Have you ever looked back on a relationship and realized you knew when it was coming to an end? Have you ever been in a relationship and saw the end coming? Just a feeling you had in your gut, soul, heart? Sometimes you just know when it’s over. Looking into someone’s eyes and they are no longer where you are. It feels like they are looking right through you. The moment where they have checked out. They have lost that feeling they had for you. At the moment you cannot believe it is over. You are not ready to let go. The life the two of you had. It is something you wish, could have been perfect forever. There is now so much said, through the ways they are so emotionless towards you. The life has been sucked out of them. They are there with you, but truly hurting in side. Those moments where the two of you are making love. They are really crying inside that it is over. You know it as well as they do. They stuck around for so long refusing to give up on the love the two of you once had. Now they are finished. All of the signs have been there. Only now are they so, “in your face” you have no choice but to accept it…

Learn the Hard Way

Why is it that when we are given advice, we sometimes take it with a grain of salt. The advice given from an outside perspective could be profound. It could be advice that can save us. Prevent something terrible from happening in our lives. Those permanent scars we incur along the way, because we had to be stubborn, could have been prevented. Those of us lucky enough to have great friends in our lives should listen to them. More than likely, they are looking out for you before themselves. When the time comes and you are so hurt you feel like you can’t go on. Those same friends will be there for you. There will be no recourse or “I told you so.” Just their unconditional love they have for you. Although In the back of their minds they may be thinking, “I wish you would of listened.” Sometimes though, the ‘School of Hard Knocks’ is the best way to go. It is the only way some can learn.

Crush-->First Date-->Disaster

A crush is an object of one’s infatuation. We all have had a crush at some point in our lives. What happens when we pursue our crush? Taking that next step to turn our crush into something more…Sometimes it can turn out amazing. The feelings you have for them are on point. They are everything you imagined they would be. At other times it can be a disaster...The other night I went on a date with a crush. Thinking I was interested and wanted this to turn into a relationship. Sadly I was hit with a hard dose of reality. This date was a disaster, in my mind. They did not live up to any of my expectations. I sat there pretty much having a conversation with myself and pulling teeth for information. In speaking with a friend I took into consideration that maybe they were shy and nervous. I realized that I cannot be with a shy person or a total introvert. An extrovert (Me) with an Introvert (them) does not work in my case. Yes, I felt a bit of disappointment, but felt good to know that I already know what I want and do not want.

Before, After, Now

Before I met you, I was someone. I was alive. I was confident. I knew what I wanted and always took chances. Before you, there was no dark. Life was incredible and could only get better. Before I met you, I knew what love was and yearned for more. Before I met you, I was happy…After I met you, I felt so alone. I was dead inside and had low self esteem. After you, I became afraid to take chances. Those extra leaps seemed so impossible. I lived my life in the dark, with no chance for light to come in. After you, my life was a disaster. After I met you, I questioned love. Love became a form of pain to me. I vowed to never love again. After you, I was unhappy. Now as time passed, I am happy. I understand what it feels like to be alive. I am now truly confident. Now I choose the risks I take. I understand the balance needed in life. Now there is light with a little bit of dark. I now appreciate all that life has to offer. Now I really know what love is. What it is to love someone and have them love you in return. Now I am happy I met you. You made me feel. You forced me to understand what love isn’t. You taught me an incredible lesson without even realizing it. Through all of the pain, I am now a new person. I am the person I have always wanted to be. I look forward to love and all it has to offer….I Thank You

First Dates

First Dates are always a little nerve wrecking. We all have hope it will turn out great. We want to leave feeling it was incredible and maybe finally, we have found the one. Although, sometimes we over think the date before it even happens. Thinking about every way it could go, from amazing to awful. We start to feel anxious and nervous about our upcoming courtship. The main thing to keep in mind is that we are ourselves. No false illusions come across and we do not set any precedent for future disappointment. After all if the other cannot accept you for who you are. You would be wasting your time to even consider a second date.

California (1 Year Later)

It will be one year since i have moved from the east coast to Sunny California in February. Life here most definitely has been been interesting. I am blessed to be working with incredible people and have made some classic friends. I am finally getting established here and it has taken a few risks and mistakes. After living with two sets of roommates in various counties, I have finally found a place that I can call home. I landed an Awesome deal for my own humble abode and it looks stellar...My new found friends and co workers have shown me a few great places in California. Wine tasting really is a relaxing and amazing experience. A trip to San Francisco was one of the highlight moments when i was beginning to feel a little home sick. The chilly weather and city like atmosphere was just what i needed to feel good again. With many other road trips and the timeless Sunday Brunches...I really have to say life on the left coast really isn't so bad. I have so much more to figure out and discover, but life so far is pretty good.

Losing Yourself

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and lost yourself? Lost the person you use to be before you met them? Sometimes we get into relationships that do not allow us to be ourselves. For so long we living in their shadow. We are working to be everything they want us to be. We are giving in and being molded into what they need or want. The person we use to be is left behind in hopes that someday in the future, somewhere along the way, we will find ourselves again in this relationship. Then one day we realize that we are truly lost. Lost in this relationship. We are tired of waiting for those moments of approval. Those moments when you feel or hear it is ok to be You. We begin to want to stand on our own two feet. The relationship we have could either change or end due to this. What is most important, is that we are ourselves. Not to ever get so lost again, that we lose ourselves…

The Power Of Love

There is a great power in love. Loving someone and being loved in return. After heartache and feeling like there is no way you could feel or love again. Someone comes along that makes you feel. They teach you how to feel and it feels right. All of your fears you had of loving someone again start to disappear. You begin to love parts of yourself. The parts that for so long, you have hated. Your broken heart begins to heal. You begin to reveal the parts of yourself you would usually hide and are afraid to confront. Love also teaches compassion and forgiveness. Love from another can change and do so much in our lives. We should all take time to appreciate the loves in our lives. The ones that have indirectly or directly helped us along in our journey we call life.

Burned and Moving on

Once you have been burned by a past lover it is hard to move on. You were so in love but had to let them go, because you knew they could never love you back...When another comes along, they initially do not get all of you. There is a part of you that is closed off...

When You Stop Searching

I always hear that when you are looking for something, you may never find it. Lately I have given up on dating and the search for that special someone. Now I have stated many times that I am no longer looking for love, but deep down I knew I really wanted it. As of late, I have truly and whole heartedly have been enjoying the single life. Spending time with friends. Having those incredible nights together where you wake up in the morning and think, “Whoa that was an Amazing Night.” Getting to know my new friends in California all that much more. Creating new friendships and acquaintances. The other day I heard from a crush. One that I have not seen or heard from in a while. Have you ever seen anyone for the first time and just think, “Now that is dating material.” We all have our thoughts where some people look screwable good while others look datable good-looking. This one was/is datable good-looking. As of now it is only a potential, but got me thinking about the search. The search to find the right one and how it evades us while we are looking. It is like only when we are truly comfortable with ourselves and being alone. The right ones begin to come along. Who knows instead of right ones…One day we will find the right ONE.

Inhibitions

It is said that when one has suppressed feelings or thoughts, they come out when all inhibitions are lowered. When one does some sort of extracurricular activity. Whether drugs or alcohol they are more open to do the things they really want to do. There is no reasoning stopping them to do what they have always wanted. This could be a number of things such as: going after the one you have always wanted in your life, taking a risky adventure or wager, having sex with someone of the same gender. The thing is that no matter how many times you try to convince yourself it was the drug that made you do it. The truth of the matter is, you would have not done so if you were not already thinking about it. A friend of mine had a hard time with this. They recently went to a party and ended up having sex with another of the same sex. Now they freaking out because it is not something they would normally do under other circumstances. The thing is in my opinion…It is what they always wanted to try out or do. Waking up in the morning, recollecting the night before and then saying, “OH CRAP” is normal. We just have to take a step back and figure out ourselves a little more. Why did this happen? Did I like it? Am I cool with it?...

Letting Go

When someone cheats and tells you about it, do you forgive them? Do you continue the relationship? It’s a situation where you are left broken. For some reason you cannot let them go. There is something that makes you want to forgive them and take them back. You are there waiting for them to come back around and be their old selves again. You still have your doubts and still not sure if the right decision was made. Falling apart, barely breathing with a broken heart. You are in love and find meaning in holding on instead of letting go.

Conquest

Talking to one of my dear friends the other day, we spoke about conquests. People who do not really want to date another unless there is some sort of conquest. They feel there has to be some sort of challenge/struggle. It is all a type of game to them. One should not have to win over someone’s affection. This is something that is either obtained or not. This got me thinking…How many of us having dated someone that was just looking for a conquest? Some of us have never realized this. While others did only after they had already given themselves to the other. A situation where you are with someone for a few months. Everything is going incredible. The two of you are together quite often and have the feel like this could be going somewhere. One day you find out that they are taken. They do care for you, but a large part of what keeps their interest is the conquest. The feeling of having a type of power over others.

Dollars

Have you ever had a time in your life when you were financially stricken? A time when you feel there is no way you can dig yourself out of the hole you created? You are feeling so down and out, thinking to yourself, you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else can truly put you in debt besides yourself. The source of the cash is actually you. You are your own person that is able to make decisions. Sure, there are many that get taken advantage of, but this is rarely the case people are in debt. Time passes and the bills keep piling up. They keep telling themselves this will get paid. Constantly putting off their debt until one day it has turned into a mountain. We are all able to dig ourselves out of these situations. Yes, it may take a bit of time in order to be back on our feet. Some of us by the grace of God have a support group, friends, family. Someone is there to show us the way. All of the tools are out there. We just need to use them. Financial advice is everywhere you look. Suzie Orman is on the television amongst many others. Barnes and Nobles has a huge selection of finance books. There are also those people that no matter what are willing to help. They will put you on a schedule. The schedule may seem unrealistic, difficult and just downright wrong at the moment. Eventually you will feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The key is create a plan, take it one day at a time and never give up.

Attraction

Have you ever been attracted to someone you see almost every day? One day you see them and realize they are not as beautiful as you once thought? This got me thinking. When we begin dating someone is it all about looks? I know all relationships begin with some sort of attraction, but are we blind to what they really look like…The way we see people always changes once we get to know them. Their personality, confidence, and charisma either makes you think they are beautiful or ugly. The time it takes for one to realize this depends on you of course. Attraction is so much more than looks. There are many aspects of attractions and one of the greatest things that are attractive in my opinion is someone’s personality.

Journey

Life is a journey full of past and upcoming experiences. At times in our lives, we look at others and wish we had their experience. The thing is we should experience our own body, mind, and soul. How else are we going to be able to find our way. Understand exactly who we are. Figure out our lives and live. To be so concerned of what others are doing, experiencing and living neglects our own lives. Why not go out there and do what you see those others doing. We should start living our own lives instead of being so concerned of others. There is so much out there to experience and just think how fulfilled you will feel once you begin your own journey…

You're Never Alone

At some point in our lives we all feel like we are all alone. We feel that no one else understands us. No one else is able to be in the same place we are. The somber feeling we are having, no one else could possibly understand. We are never really alone. There is always someone else out there that feels just as down as we do. This gives a feeling of comfort. I do not wish anyone to feel so melancholy. It is just a comforting feeling to know that we are not alone. There are others out there with the same problems we have if not worse...

Fall through the cracks

After some break ups. We are feeling like there is so much left unsaid. Those words that we are needing to say, but never get a chance or have the courage to. They just fall through the cracks. “ I love you. I miss you. I hate life without you. I want you back.” Those thoughts that never are verbalized to the loves in our lives. We will always have the feelings that we do not miss, but they are trumped by such incredible things left unsaid. One starts to think what if. What if I said this. What if I said that. It makes us wonder if at times…Do they miss you? Would they wish you were here with them? Are they feeling the way you do? When we are with someone, no matter how afraid we are. We should express our feelings to them. There will always be a time when it is too soon, but you know when that is. Take a step back for a moment. Take a chance and hope they feel the same as you do. There is always too much left unsaid and if we would just say those words/thoughts and stop holding back…Our relationships might last a bit longer. We could actually have our happily ever after. Please don’t let those incredible moments ‘Fall Through the Cracks.’

Goodbye...

Sometimes it is just better to say Goodbye. When you have that one person in your life. The one you give your all to; heart and soul. You think the feelings they have for you are just as intense and nothing can tear you two apart. Only to find out later down the road, it was all a lie. They never really felt anything for you. For them it was just a game. A sick and twisted game. They are so lost and alone; in order to feel anything they must be in control at any cost. Even if it is at the cost of another. All you want to do now, is have someone take the pain away. Have someone say you were wrong. At this point it is not enough to say, “I’m Sorry.” It was all a lie and you have begun to hate this person. You see no future of loving them ever again. Only a future of hatred. In your heart you know, It is a shame and a crime at times to hate anyone. At this moment though, it is the only way you can feel for them. Everything you’ve been through. Everything about them. It was all a lie. To stay would be suffocating. The best thing to do is say Goodbye…These moments are the toughest to get through. Thankfully, if nothing else, we all at least have music to help us through. The lucky ones have an incredible support group (friends) to get them through as well...

The Power of Compassion and Understanding

There are those times when we feel like we are total screw ups. Those moments when we are just feeling so down and out that nothing can change our mood. There are then moments when we realize we have those people in our lives. The ones that have true compassion…Compassion is a virtue, one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy are regarded as part of love itself. Accidents will always happen in our lives. There will always be a time when we are misfortunate enough to have something terrible or just sad happen to us. This is when we need to have people in our lives with true compassion. They are the ones that make everything ok. They make us feel like it really is not so bad. Instead of us thinking that so many others out there have it worse. We think that we are the ones that have it the worst in the world. The realization that life really is not so bad at these moments is achieved through incredible people with compassion. I for one am blessed and happy to have these types of people in my life.

Encounters

In life we all have various encounters. Some are breathtaking, enlightening, depressing, cheerful and sexual. Every encounter, big or small is significant in your life. They all have some type of meaning. There is always a reason for each encounter happening. At times the reason does not appear to be clear at first, but then in hindsight it all somehow is…There are times in our life when we are feeling down and out or just lost and alone. These are the times I believe we meet those people that can help us. Inadvertently guide us in the right direction. Although it is never apparent at first…When it all comes to light, we realize those encounters good or bad were all necessary in order for us to move on in our lives and LIVE.

Truth is Everlasting …

Apologies...
Have you ever been bought? Has anyone ever tried to pay you off? They knew they did something wrong or made a mistake. Instead of actually owing up to their transgressions they want to do so much for you. A simple “I’m Sorry” would suffice just fine. There is so much power in just saying, “I’m Sorry.” To own up to what you did shows how strong you are. It takes a strong and incredible person to actually apologize to another. Friendships have been lost because of this. Relationships have perished. Families have struggled and torn apart because of those who are just too proud. I truly wish more people in this world were able to own up to their faults and just say, “I’m Sorry.”

Lesson Learned

Have you ever been so excited about something to the point you want to tell the world? Your hopes are heighted and you feel that this is finally it? You have finally gotten one of things you were looking for in life? An incredible something that will just start you on the path of awesomeness? What does one do when this one thing you have told the world about. Everyone you feel is close to you. They are all excited for you. Constantly asking when it is going to happen, so they can celebrate with you. Planning and other things start to happen. Then the worst thing happens. The one thing you had, completely goes away. It all falls through. There is no longer that one thing to start you out. You have a feeling of total embarrassment, because now you have to tell everyone. Instead of keeping this one piece of news to yourself, until you have obtained it. You had to go and tell everyone about it. Even before it was official. This is what we call a lesson learned. A moment where you look back and say, “ I should have done it this way. Next time I will do things differently.”

Flashback (Excuses)

Why do people make excuses? Why not just be more up front? Instead of perpetrating a fraud and acting so busy in their life. Just say what's really going on. Is it not better to let someone down in the beginning; instead of dragging it out to the point where they will be even more hurt down the road when more feelings develop. Why do we always seem to be so busy in our lives when we are not interested in someone?