Just Don't Fit

Have you ever been in a crowded room surrounded by friends but still feel incomplete? A feeling that you just do not fit? The other day I attended an incredible BBQ. It was full of great food, great friends, tasty drinks and flavorful food. All the while I am with this group I have that recurring feeling. The one that I have been having lately. This is incredible. I love California, but something inside just tells me you don’t fit in. I feel like I do not fit in. Looking around and seeing how others interact with one another, the chemistry of old and new friends, etc…The thought, the feeling that you Just Don’t Fit is a very melancholy feeling. A solution could be another move to another part of California. San Francisco for instance. Maybe I will realize at the end of my discovery period that the west coast is not right for me. I already know I truly love and am an east coaster at heart. Experiences are a part of life. I am always up for an adventure. Taking chances and just finding out more about myself. This move is a prime example. Hopefully by this year’s close I will realize where I should really be. Find my place in this world. Each day I get a little closer. Every moment I feel a little closer…

Understaing/Relating

Moving back home or staying? A constant thought that has been on my mind since I moved out to the west coast. The other day I met a really cool, young, bright and vivacious friend of a friend. She is moving back east for a few reasons. We got to talking about life and such and just making the comparisons. The feeling we get when back HOME as compared to being here in sunny California. Work life, personal life, matters of the heart, etc…All of this really got me thinking. It sort of made me sad and the biggest thing that stuck in my mind. At the end of the day even when you have such an incredible network of people in your life. You still feel alone. It was a strange and surprising statement coming from someone of her stature. Immediately you can tell when someone is easy going, an extrovert and just gets along with most if not everyone. I too could relate to her in a way. I have never truly ever felt alone, but I totally understand where she is coming from. The meaning behind those words. Lately I have been going through a few things. Having a lot on my mind and such. Work wise and more. I know I have a semi charmed kind of life. I guess I need to be reminded how good my life is by getting put through the ringer…

When A Heart Breaks

What does it sound like when a heart breaks? What does it feel like when a heart breaks? In the past I was what I would call a lucky one. One who had never felt this feeling before. Always the one getting out of the situation before my heart truly could break. In the past few months I have had my heart broken. A terrible feeling I will admit. Now in hindsight I will say I was not a lucky one to have been so long without feeling this way. The intense feeling one must have for another in order for this to happen. I wish it did not happen, but it did. I have learned from this. Some wish they would have never felt than to felt and loss. How can one truly live without opening themselves up to this. I have grown from this. The sound a heart makes when it breaks…It’s a tear in the dark. It’s the sound of mistake. It’s like a crack of thunder. The way it feels when a heart breaks is like being crushed, run over and then smashed to pieces. It truly does suck. The positive side of heart break is the feeling one has before it happens. That is a feeling I would and will continue to open myself up to. Hopefully it will not always end in heart break. Only time will tell…

Forever Friend

You came into my life by happenstance. At first we did not initially hit it off. A friend of convenience I thought you were. As time passed I realized you were a ‘Forever Friend’. Someone who I would do anything for and felt the same in return. Anytime you are in need, I am there. Good times we share. Memories to last a life time and a bond that is unbreakable. A brother from another mother I would say. Always honest and upfront, never falter and just an incredible friend. Who knew I would find a friend like you in this world. Even after all the times I feel I could strangle you. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world. So much I have learned from you. Growing up is hard to do. Having an incredible friend like you through this journey we call life, makes it all the easier. This I dedicate to you. Friends come and go. Relationships begin and end. A ‘Forever Friend’ is there through it all. They last a life time…

Moments

Have you ever had that moment when you hear something it just takes you? Makes you smile and just feel good? There is a song by FM Static called ‘Tonight’. It gets me thinking about life and just moments. Those moments that are truly cherished and one can never forget. Gets me thinking about the future and having that special someone with me. Missing them and longing to be with them. Looking forward to those feelings. Those incredible feelings.

Half Way There

Life is full of surprises. Full of ups and downs, heartaches, joys, and just some really random stuff. I have learned a lot from it all. I have grown up a lot from it all. I feel really blessed/lucky to have experienced and be a part of it all. My life would not be what it is today if I had not experienced or been a part of it all. I was on an emotional roller coaster recently. Getting over someone is not always easy. I have learned that. I have learned that there other fish out in the sea. There are personal obstacles that could be holding you back. We have to learn to deal with them and get over them. So much I have learned and the year is not even over yet. We are slowly reaching the midyear point. I wanted to write about my reflection on life. This will be my first full year in California and I have to say it is pretty Awesome. I am getting settled finally. Opening myself up to others now that I am pretty much settled and got my stuff together. I’m feeling really good. I thank God for my life. It truly is a blessed/charmed one.

New Understanding

Lately I have been struggling. Struggling with my feelings. I truly do not understand these feelings that I have. I have always had a complete grip on my feelings. Always the one with all the feelings. Able to figure them out and explain to others. Others would always come to me for understanding. Understanding of what they are going through. What they are feeling. After this last escapade with another I am at a loss for words. I received the call. The call that made me feel great the day after. The call that made everything I already knew come to light. The things is that I am still recovering. I never knew it would take this long. I guess because I have never been let down by another, I did not know/do not know completely how to deal. As time goes by I understand. I feel that I am growing. I am understanding and coming to a new light/aspect on life. For the first time in my life I have thought what if. What if I see them in the future? Will we become friends? Am I ok with friendship? So many ‘what if’ questions I have for myself. I do know only time will tell. What if I have realized is just a part of life. No regrets I have. No tears of sadness because I wish it would have different…

Never Give up On Love

“When Love won’t let you walk away and you can’t help who you love.” No matter how many times you say, “This is it. This is the last time I will ever give all of myself. The last time I will fall for someone and let them in.” Each time we meet someone that feeling has a chance of changing. That feeling has a possibility of doing a complete 180. I always say I will never give up on love, but at times I feel like I wish I could. There are those of us that have been burned, beaten down and just put through the ringer so many times; we wonder why we still are so passionate about love. I wonder about this all the time. My only conclusion/reasoning I can come up with is that Love is just so indescribable and an incredible feeling that one does not want to let it go, or give up on it. Even after all that Love has done to me. I think back of all the good things Love has given me and made me feel. I would not ever want to give that back. At the end of the day, the good things Love has given will always trump the bad.

Feeling Alone

The other day I was feeling pretty lonely. Listening to music about relationships, love, heartache, unrequited love, etc. With an already rough week. This got me feeling pretty down and out. Why is it that when we are feeling a little lonely, we focus those feelings on the last love in our lives? We make ourselves believe it is them that has us feeling this way. Like it is their fault we are alone. Their fault we are feeling this way. The reality is that we are just having one of those days. Everyone has one of those days. Sometimes we do something stupid like try to contact that past love or interest. The next day we realize that it is not them they really want, but just a relationship…

Tough Day

Today. Today is a tough day. Have you ever had that someone? That someone who even though you have completely deleted them out of your life, you cannot stop thinking about them. They cross your mind every so often. It did not end badly. It was neither one of your faults. It was just a point where you did not want to wait around any longer. You ended it and now wish you didn’t. Wish you didn’t delete them out of your life. Wish you could rewind time. Take it back to the moment. The moment where everything seemed so perfect. Today is that day. Today I feel like calling. I want to call. Feeling so stupid for feeling this way. Never wanting to feel this way. Never have I ever felt this way. Wondering what this means. Why this one is making me the crazy one that I vowed to never be. Is this what others go through? Is this how it feels after breaking something off that you really wanted? So many questions? So many things left unanswered. If only I had a chance to actually talk to them. Figure things out. Get some closure. I never truly understood why people need closure. Now I get it…

Advice

All my life I friends, strangers, family members, etc. have come to me for advice. Various individuals confide in me with information that they know will be kept. My mother has always told me that I am the type of person people feel at ease with. The type that they feel is an instant friend. The type that makes others feel they have been friends with me for years and surrounding others feel the same. This got me thinking….How many of us out there are advice columnist for our personal network of friends? For those various individuals we meet in our lives? Unfortunately I have not met many of these individuals in my life. Yes, one only needs at least one friend to confide in. Yet I wish there were more out that just for the benefit of others. So many people need that person they can just talk to. The one they can always go to and know after they leave or end speaking with them. It is going to be ok. The information/experience obtained was real and what you needed.

Love

Love made me Blind. Love made a fool of me. Love made everything seem so perfect. Love made me into a sick puppy. Love made everything seem so incredible. Love has done so much to me. Love has fooled me in so many ways. Love has made me cry. Love has made me feel. Love has made me feel incredible. The good and the bad Love has brought into my life. This time Love has really hurt me. Unsure if I will ever trust Love again. Unsure if I want to ever Love again. Love what have you done to me…