Thoughts on Her Mind

There’s a girl awake late a night. Unable to sleep, with such thoughts on her mind. She sits alone in her room at night and thinks about her life. She wonders how she got here. How did this happen. Thinking these feelings and emotions were locked away forever, never to resurface. Now that she has met someone different and unique in every since. The idea of never truly letting someone in, is once again debated. How could another like this exist. This is impossible. Guys like this only exist in fairy tales. Able to read your thoughts. Sense a feeling of emotion even from afar. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. All of these thoughts run through her mind. She to be optimistic and soon her positive thinking kicks in. Everything seems possible. She is willing to begin this journey. As she drifts off to sleep. She smiles and thinks about the next day. Looking forward to an understanding. Excited for what will happen next. What the future holds is but a mystery…

Guarded

How many of us are guarded when it comes to matters of the heart? Whether it is with our friends or potential love interest? Have you considered, why you are so guarded? I have realized I have a fear of truly being burned again. My first love. The one I truly gave my all to, really got to me. I was in tears and so broken hearted that I vowed to never feel that way ever again. Now that I’ve met someone who seems like they could be the real deal, I must learn once again to open up. Give as much as I am getting. It is only fair to do so and the only way for the potential of a relationship to transform into an actual relationship.

Connected

Is it possible to be connected with someone so soon after meeting. Less than a month passes and you feel connected to this person. The other night I was in a restless state. Laying in bed trying to fall asleep, but could not for some reason. Usually I never have any issue passing out/falling asleep. I can pretty much sleep anywhere as long as it is not freezing cold. Even then I have done so. While laying in bed I hear this voice. Telling me to relax and saying other things. Now the crazy part about it is that I could swear it was my new potential. I have had a lot on my mind lately and a little worried but how would they know. How could they know what is going on in my mind and be able to soothe and comfort me without actually being present…This got me thinking is it really possible to be connected with someone? In tune with their feelings, thoughts, and emotions? I believe anything is possible, but still a little taken back when it happens to me. As a dear friend of mine says, “The situation is always different when it is happening to you.”

Jumping to Relationship Status

In speaking with a friend the other day i discovered some incredible insight on relationships. Now these are ideas/thoughts that we all have already discovered and know. The thing is, we do not really take it in until it is said by another. In the most ideal relationships, we meet another that we feel is the one. The romance begins at a slow and steady pace and then accelarates so quickly that neither one of you know what hit them. During those first few dates the two of you feel there is so much in common. The goals and aspirations are in sync. The two of you are able to speak on a level that is unmatched by others. The thoughts and energy the two of you have is incredible. These feelings make the both you want to jump to the point of relationship at an accelarated rate. Every romance should not be rushed. Time should be taken to get to know one another. Court each other and build up the romance.

You Know

You know one of my secrets. Something no one else knows. You know. I feel close to you. Comfortable with you. Willing to take a chance and tell you things i would normally keep to myself. Lock inside and never let out. You make me want to open up. Be free of these chains. Free of any burdens. Everything feels lighter when I am with you. When I am away from you I also begin to feel lighter on my own. Able to take on my challenges. New challenges. Dive in head first without hesitation. I hope to one day know one of your secrets. Get you to feel comfortable enough around me to open up. Tell me things you would only tell a stranger, because they don't know you and wouldn't judge you. I want to give you strength. An extra leap in your step and boost of confidence without even realizing it. It's what i want. What I need. What I feel...

Who Knows, I know, I hope

Who knows if you are the one for me. Who knows if I am the one for you. Who knows if this will work out. Who knows if my personal issues will get in the way...I do know that I like you. I know you like me too. I know I want this work. I know it could work. I know I want to take a chance on you. I hope you want take a chance on me. Let whatever this is in the beginning stages, develop into something more. I hope you are the one for me, but who knows....

Afraid

How do you know? How do you know when you meet someone, they are the one that will last forever? The one you want to be with forever? Is it when you think about them all the time? Waking up in the morning wondering what they are doing? Wishing you could see them sleeping next to you? Have them wake up with you, beside you? When the two of you touch it is something like you have never felt before. Something so incredible. You hope in your heart this will be the one. Asking yourself inside, “Can I spend my life with you?” Could we be so afraid of it not working out that we sabotage the relationship? The prospect of a relationship? Afraid of taking the chance and putting our heart on the line? Why not throw all logic out the window and go with what we are feeling instead of our logical reasoning. Love does not make sense. It really is not suppose to. There are many out there that we have no idea why they are together. This is because you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Endevaours

Something New. Something Different. We should  all aspire to take on new endevaours in our lives. A new challenge. Start of a new adventure. Even if we do not end up liking the end result. The experience  we gain from each activity is priceless, timeless and at times...Classic.

Something Different

It was a cool summer night when they first saw each other. The moment their eyes met, they both wondered about this new feeling. A feeling for a stranger. Someone they do not know. Each thinking to themselves, “Who is this person. Why do I feel so connected to them.” One approaches the other and it feels so right, so easy to interact with one another. After time a date ensues. Incredible for one, but the other is a little more hesitant. Thinking this can’t be right. There must be something wrong. Trying to figure out these feelings. Asking why it is so right. Wondering if they have finally found their match…Another date ensues and the one breaks through those feelings of hesitation. Thinking, why hold back and miss out on something incredible. Over time more dates ensue. The bond/dates between the two begins to grow. Grows into something more than just casual. It begins become something greater. Their passion and feelings have sky rocketed. Each thinks, “This could be the one.” Months, weeks, days have passed. The two are walking home from an incredible French restaurant. It begins to rain, pour. They begin to run making it to the door step. Staring into each other’s eyes, begin to kiss and embrace one another. One pulls back and says those three words…”I Love You.”

Never Knew (Thoughts)

There are so many of us who have friends in need. Friends who need us there in their lives. Need to be saved/rescued from a situation they are in. We must speak up and ask if something is wrong. They will not always tell you, for there is fear of judgment or disapproval on your part. Remain open and make the other feel they can come to you with anything. Above all else remember to ask if you even have a small inkling that something maybe wrong. You could be saving someone’s life. Helping them go on and live a life they never thought could be obtained…Life is a gift and what an incredible one at that. Not everyone may be able to see this on their own. That is why friends are there to assist them in seeing how great life could be/can be. IS...

Never Knew

I never knew how much were hurting. I never realized how much you needed. I never knew you were reaching out for me. Crying inside, hurting inside. Wishing someone would come along and rescue you. I never thought you wanted any help, needed any help. You seemed so self sufficient. So independent and able to do everything on your own. Taking care of everyone, including yourself. A master of disguise you were. Always the one others looked up to. Others aspired to be you. Your name mentioned in various circles. Always praised, never slandered. Having no idea you were actually the one who wished you could be what everyone else thought you were. For so long I thought we were the best of friends. Maybe we were, but now I will never know for sure. In my heart I truly believe you did love me. We were the greatest friends ever to be united. No other friendships could compare. Now that you are gone I will never know for sure. You took your life and left me this note. A note of only two words, “I’m sorry.” Thinking in my head I have no idea what that means. We always said we would never be sorry for anything when it came to one another. I now feel there is so much I never knew about you. This discovery hurts me inside. Gets me thinking how many of my other friends do I really know. You were my confidant. The one I knew I could always come to for advice and comfort. I thought I was the same for you. I am still hurting inside. Thinking back to those times we had together. All of our crazy antics. I cry as I think of those moments. Oh how I miss you. Wishing I could have saved you. Knew what was going on. If only, if only I would have been there more. I thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t. I have so many questions. So many questions that can never be answered. No one knows the answer but you. So much of your life I feel I never knew. Never knew. Never knew…

Love was...You

Love was something I looked forward to. Love was what got me through the hard times. Those moments where I felt I could not go on. Love was everything to me. I was engulfed in love. Life without love was something I never thought could happen. Without Love in my life I thought I would die. The intensity and happiness I felt with Love was indescribable. Love was my life. I thought about Love every day. Waking up in the morning and going to bed at night, Love was always on my mind. You were my love. My version of love. I don’t think you ever knew. Never knew the way I felt. The intensity of my feelings. How dependent I came. Maybe you did know. Maybe this is why you are no longer in my life. You wanted me to understand what love really is. You knew while we were together, All I could think was…Love was…You

Didn't Know

Sometimes Love comes at the most unexpected of times. You can be out ready to see an old friend and meet the love of your life. All of sudden you are engaged in a conversation that you hope will never end. Love knocks you down and all you can do is get back up and take it. Just smile and think wow this is incredible. You know this is what love is. After all of the past loves, you thought you loved before. You now know, you didn’t know what love was until this one came into your life. ..

Situations

Have you ever had the most incredible day, to only receive the most devastating news towards the end? Something so tragic that it shoots right through you? What does one do when this happens? Go on living their life? This is incredibly easy to say to someone. Especially if you are not or never have been in this type of situation. A situation where you feel down and out. Thinking to yourself. Why? How could this happen to me? What have I done so wrong in life to deserve this? These are just a few things that goes through your mind. One can get over it in time. A support group of friends and family always help. It is an incredible feeling to know you have at least one person there for you. That one friend you know will be in your life no matter what. Even when life is at its worst there is always an upside to the situation. It usually is not clear at first, but hopefully one day seen we shall all realize what it is.

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The day where you get to do extra for that special someone in your life. I often hear one does not need to do anything for another on this day. They have been good to them all year round. Why not let the other do a little extra something on this incredible day. People are together because they care for each other. On Valentine's Day a couple feels they can do a little something extra crazy. Express their feelings for the other at a heightened level. This day could begin an intense romance. Pretty much I believe Valentine's Day is not over rated. It is a day where everyone gets an extra boost of confidence to do something for the one they care about.

Opening Up

Why is that we feel much more comfortable writing down our thoughts instead of expressing them? When we feel we have something to say, instead of actually speaking up and revealing what is on one's mind we write. Being expressive verbally is such an incredible release. It frees one of any regrets, what if's, etc...Opening up is hard sometimes but necessary to truly reveal who you are.

Success

Have you ever noticed that when one moves up in life, there always is one upset with your success? It could be the ones you thought were the closest to you, the distant friends you only see every once in a while. No matter what there's always at least one upset about you proceeding in life. Why is that? Is there something wrong with bettering yourself? Living the dream and achieving goals set for oneself? I think not

Wrong One/Right One

What is love? Love is being with someone who accepts you for who you are. Have you ever been with someone that just thought you did everything wrong? Thought you were a mess and just plain stupid, useless and hard to please. Then you meet someone who thinks the total opposite. They want to show you off to the world. Take you anyplace and never embarrassed to be seen with you. They think you are funny, and irresistible. The most incredible person they have met in a long time. All of those little quirks and flaws you have are just a grain of sand to this one. You now feel appreciated and not hated anymore. You realize how much better you feel with this one. In the past you felt beaten down… Now you think, “Where did I go right? How did I get you?” You have no idea how you did, but somehow now you do. Talking to a friend the other day I realized there are many of us that stay in a doomed relationship because it was convenient, a sure thing or just easier than being alone. A mistake almost everyone has done in their dating career. Later down the road we realize how early in the beginning it could have been prevented…

Maybe

Maybe I did love you. I was afraid to tell you. Afraid of what you would have said. Maybe I left because I was afraid. I had to get out of there. I lost my way down there. It’s easy to get lost in fear. Maybe the end is the beginning. Maybe I will find my way. Come back with a new sense of clarity. We could become something pretty incredible. Maybe you will be there waiting for me. Maybe you will have moved on. Found love without me. Found another who stands where I stood. Another who gives you all the things I never could. Maybe I will be too late. Too late to get back in your life. Maybe I will finally realize all that I had. All that I lost. Learn from this experience. Find a love of my own. Not be afraid and do it right this time.

Learning

The other day I had lunch with an ex of mine. We had a pretty whirl wind of a relationship. It went from Incredible to downright disastrous. There were so many things in hind sight I realized could have been prevented. Also, I see the decision made was a great one as there would have really been no chance of it ever lasting. This was an incredibly bright and structured person, but not someone I could grow or be with for the long haul. I realized through this relationship what I thought I wanted/needed in a relationship is not exactly what I wanted/needed. Sure it is possible to get those things we really want/need in a relationship. I just realized what I truly wanted and did not want. The values, goals, morals, energy and passion should be similar. I realized I want to enjoy every moment with that person and not hide my joy from anyone. To have to hide the intense happiness one feels about another and never really able to share with the world is a tragedy. I also realized the improvements I needed to make in my life in order to really appreciate and have someone in my life. So far I have accomplished a few of the goals I have set for myself. After all one cannot really ask another to have the qualities we want without having them in ourselves first. This would just not be fair. Relationships are always a gamble. At one point or another it is inevitable for one to hit the jack pot. Look back and think all of those others lead you to this point.

Living in the Past/Growing up

Reading the paper today I realized, there are many out there living in the past. How long can one continue to live in the past before the present and future give them a huge dose of reality? I have met a few people living in their glory days. The time where everything was perfect. They felt like the ‘Big Man’ on campus. Is this because they are afraid of stepping out of their comfort zone? What makes one so afraid to move on with their lives? Take that next step and become an adult. Growing up is never really easy. Some days you feel like the world is out to get you. Others you feel like you hit rock bottom. Then you have those reality check moments where you think, “Wow, this is growing up. I am becoming an adult.” All of this is part of growing up. Never forgetting about the past but learning from it. Taking that wisdom with you in your life and becoming a new and improved you. We cannot worry about the past and think, “What If?” Gotta keep moving on and do our best living in the present, looking towards the future. Reminiscing in the past is cool sometimes, but living it is not so cool or healthy for that matter.

Initiative

As of late I have been taking the initiative in matters of the heart. In speaking with a friend I realized that I never actually have. I honestly have never been the one to take the first step. I have always been the one being approached. This is an ideal situation, but leaves one without the skills of how to start conversations with love interest. I am learning this the hard way, but it feels good. I can now understand the feelings others have when they are rejected by another. The moment where you are on such a high thinking, “I got this.” Only to be turned down. Also, I have made myself more aware of pop culture and current events. After all these are all things one must know in order to hold conversation at times. All in all I am incredibly happy to be taking the initiative and putting myself out there. It most definitely has been scary to do at first, but I am adjusting. Learning body language and the point where you just know if someone is into you or not…

Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday was yesterday. A time where friends, family and sometimes random characters get together in a centralized location to watch Americas most beloved game. FOOTBALL…I spent this day with a few friends, extended family and random characters. I met the most interesting people as well as a love interest…It was an incredible day of great drinks and TONS of food. I could not have asked for anything more. At one moment I realized how good my life really is here in California. I have obtained such an incredible structure of friends and friends parents that I like to call “extended family.” The love interest I met was quite interesting. I am not sure if the feeling is mutual or not. The fact that there was such an abundance of alcoholic beverages always makes me wonder of which side of the person is talking. Yes, I believe there is always some truth in others actions and speak even when they are inebriated. Although, one should be sure of what part is true before reacting…

Friends

Friends are incredible. I thank God everyday for the friends I have in my life. Without them i seriously do not know where i would be. At times friends have a reality check. A moment in their lives where they wish they would of done things differently. The only thing one can really do is learn from what happened in the past and move on. Understand why your friend feels this way and work on yourself to be a better person. I recently had this type of moment. I tend to always tend to write the things down i feel my friends would not understand. That moment in life where i feel they just would not listen or hear what i am saying. The thing we all must realize, is if we are friends with someone we should tell them what is on our mind all the time. This is the only way to truly be best friends. Why hold anything back. Is it really for your friend or are you afraid of confrontation? Afraid of losing that one dear friend you would not replace for another in the world...

December 17th 2007

Reading Old Entries is Always Amazing. I've come so far in my life...

New Years Reflection:

So it is almost that time. The time where everyone begins to contemplate all of their New Year resolutions. This always gets me thinking. Thinking about what has happened to me, how I have changed, grown throughout the year, and how far I have come. This year I have made new friends, become closer with current friends, and grown apart with others. Friendship is truly the most important thing in my life. Everyone should have someone in their life to go, be there for them, or just chill out with. The friends that I have grown apart from will always be apart of my life in someway. They have all made an impact on me and I have learned and grew from them all. Through my new found friendships I've learned that everyone does need someone there for them no matter what. I have always practiced this but it has become more relevant as time has passed.

I've learned that is OK to need someone. So many people say that you should never need anyone in your life. You should want them in your life. I have come to realize that it is actually a little of both but one more than the other as it grows. Relationships are amazing. They do take work no matter what anyone says. Yes, you shouldn't have to push for something in the beginning because if it was truly meant to be it would not be so hard. Everyone that has been in my life I've learned to be more and more open with them. It really is hard to open up to someone with the chance of getting hurt but you know what, it's ok. These things happen and if you don't just put yourself out there and take that chance. It is never really worthwhile. One thing I never want to do is look back and think what if. What if I did more? What if I just said that one thing or did that one thing? It would truly haunt me for my life if I had to do that. This goes with everything I do though. Lately I have been incredibly upfront with people and not holding back. If people really feel the way you think they do or hope, you will never really find out unless you confront them or just ask. It never does hurt to ask anyone anything. Always best to just get through it and deal with the situation instead of letting it grow into something that it is not.

Everyone knows me as the incredibly optimistic, happy go lucky guy. This is true about me but as with everyone I do get down sometimes. I really try not to dwell on anything. I strongly whole heartedly believe that if it was meant to be it will be. "What will be, Will be as some say. If it's going to happen it will, if not then eh so what. Move on, learn from it, and make, do, or be a better person because of it. Sometimes it hurts and is difficult to move on but, "What does not kill you makes you Rambo." The other night I was watching this movie and one thing the actor said in it is. "You know in a crazy sort of way I am glad that It happened. Cause you gotta get knocked down to get back up and all that." He was talking about being cheated on and how it felt. But putting in context with life in general. Think about it, sometimes life has to kick you in the butt in order to realize your strength, what you are capable of, realize who you are and all.

This year has truly been a mind blowing, life altering year. I've traveled to so many places. Been through a lot of let downs and disappointments but through it all I am still standing and stronger than before. I am incredibly grateful for those that have been there and also to myself for having the will to bare it all alone when I had to. I'm even more grateful for the new friendships I have made. I've grown to be a better person and still have some growing to do. This life is a journey and until it ends I'm living every day to its limit. Carpe Diem, Carpe Diem. Always looking forward, learning from the past but never looking back. No Regrets. Looking forward to the new adventures I shall encounter in life

Jersey Throw Back

Tonight I have been reading through my journal and want to post a few old entries. They are all truly Amazing...It's funny how my life in California has been anticipated for so long.

Just about life

Current mood:artistic

Today has really been a chill/mellow day. I listened to Jack Johnson pretty much all day. Yeah I'm a California surfer at heart. I know. I've been told. This just got me thinking about life. Past, Present, and future. I miss living in the city, but at the same time i feel so lucky to be here in the quiet country like neighborhood. On days like these i feel so incredible to be able to enjoy the beauty of nature without all the hustle and bustle of the city. This truly is a beautiful world we live in and people sometimes need to step back and just take a look around. Even in the worst of situations and surroundings. Still have to find the beauty in it. I've always been the type that loves being around people, interacting, all the time. Living in the city that was pretty much every day. Becoming street smart and then becoming book smart second. Being able to go anywhere and just go out at anytime without the worry of something closing and having no where to go. I've learned though while living in jersey. Life isn't all about that. You learn that the simplest things are truly the greatest moments in life. I love alone time cause i do not at all get it enough. At the same time being with a friend, driving around aimlessly with no destination in sight. Random road trips. Random destinations. Driving to the beach on a chilly winter day but still being able to have every bit of fun if not more as you would in the summer. Chilling outside of Wendy's just talking about life or nothing at all. Such Incredibly Amazing times i've had. Best times of my life.

Looking towards the future and the present. Life just seems to only be getting better. Friendships becoming tighter, learning from past mistakes, and just moving on with my life.

In a few months I will be living in San Diego, CA. I'm scared and incredibly excited at the same time. It is the first time that i will be living alone for such an extended period of time. Will i return to the east coast. Who knows. I use to be sure and say yeah I'm coming back. But not now i honestly don't know. Only time will tell. I'm excited for new friends i will make, Amazingly Brilliant adventures await, and experiences that i know will be with me for a life time.

Ahh i just had all of these thoughts inside me. Had to get them out. I know to some this might not make any sense at all but to others this will surely just be as clear as day. Anyway what i am saying is thanks for reading everyone. Love you always and forever even if sometimes you don't feel it.

On my Mind

This past weekend was incredible. I had the most amazing time being with friends that I have not seen in a while and celebrating the success of graduation for others as well. One thing that has completely stuck in my mind though was something one of my dear friends said. They recently have been having problems with their significant other and it's most likely over. They said, "It Is just not worth going through all of the emotions and usual goings of a relationship if this is how it turns out." I just totally had to disagree with that. I mean no matter what, I believe that it is always worth going through with a relationship even if it does turn sour. You learn from everything that happens in your life and to say that it's just not worth it. Absurd. Nothing in life is certain. Every time you start to pursue a relationship it is taking a risk. Leaving yourself open and taking that chance that maybe this one is the one. The one that will make you love and love you back. I want real love, inconceivable, can't get enough, whole hearted, intense love. Now I know some people are like that's crazy but, to settle for less to me is what is really crazy. Relationships take work and just passion. You have to want to do this. I know it hurts but without taking such risk, one would end up just being alone all their life and unhappy. No matter what anyone says everyone needs someone. Whether it is friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. You have to feel that your life is complete first and love yourself before anyone is going to love you. A lot of people bring this up and say it time and time again, but it still stands true.

Thoughts on Life

The Road to Independence takes time but it's always a better when you can turn to someone and say thanks for being there...Life has had its ups and downs, lost friends, broken hearts, etc...But one thing I have always kept with me, is to never doubt myself. Life is simple, You make choices and don't look back. No Regrets. Just wanna say no matter what, people should always be there for you, if it's just to listen to someone vent, help out a stranger, or just simply be there. Life is hard enough as it is. We all need that extra little boost at some point in our lives.

Lost and Alone

Just another day. Another day alone. Though I show a smile. There is so much I hide. I can’t find a way to relate. Who Am I suppose to be? Everybody seems to see except for me. In the beginning I did everything to try and fit in. The others just couldn’t, just wouldn’t look past the surface. I lost all emotion. Lost all feeling. When will I feel again? I would give up forever to know. Take a look at the life of the lost and lonely. Lost in this world I hide. Always going unnoticed. Wanting to find my direction. Will I be afraid once I find it? I wish I knew. When will love ever find me? All my life, all I’ve wanted is to be loved. Life seems like a movie. I bleed to just to feel alive. Anything to know I am alive. If I could, then I would. I would show the world. Show them who I am. Accept me or not I would be me. The person I am looking for. The one who is brave and resilient. Able to take life as it comes. No longer go unnoticed. Finally able to shine. Every night I dream. Dream that I am happy. Living such an incredible life. Standing on my own two feet. Able to accept myself for who I am. Feeling emotion. Feeling inside. Smiling internally because I can feel. A warm feeling it is. If only this dream was real. If only…

Age

Regarding relationships. I often hear, “Age is nothing but a number; You cannot help who you fall in love with.” I would deeply like to agree with this, but a friend got me thinking the other day. When we begin dating someone of an older age and see a future together. How long can it last? Dating another about 10-12 years older is great for right now? Why not for the long term? Looking into the future with another is a great thing. Say one is 28 while the other is 40. A future together could still be great, depending on the agility and liveliness of both parties. When one is 48 the other is 60. What works for one couple does not always work for another. On the tube we see many couples with a large age range. At times it is a ship guided by the lighthouse through the storm. Other times they come crashing into the harbor. We all want to eventually settle down and grow old with someone. With a larger age difference is this possible? There are so many factors that can come into play such as health concerns, stamina, maturity level, etc…I fully understand we should all be with another around our age. The thing is I truly believe, “You cannot help who you fall in love with.” I guess it truly does depend on the two in the relationship…