Just Don't Fit

Have you ever been in a crowded room surrounded by friends but still feel incomplete? A feeling that you just do not fit? The other day I attended an incredible BBQ. It was full of great food, great friends, tasty drinks and flavorful food. All the while I am with this group I have that recurring feeling. The one that I have been having lately. This is incredible. I love California, but something inside just tells me you don’t fit in. I feel like I do not fit in. Looking around and seeing how others interact with one another, the chemistry of old and new friends, etc…The thought, the feeling that you Just Don’t Fit is a very melancholy feeling. A solution could be another move to another part of California. San Francisco for instance. Maybe I will realize at the end of my discovery period that the west coast is not right for me. I already know I truly love and am an east coaster at heart. Experiences are a part of life. I am always up for an adventure. Taking chances and just finding out more about myself. This move is a prime example. Hopefully by this year’s close I will realize where I should really be. Find my place in this world. Each day I get a little closer. Every moment I feel a little closer…

Understaing/Relating

Moving back home or staying? A constant thought that has been on my mind since I moved out to the west coast. The other day I met a really cool, young, bright and vivacious friend of a friend. She is moving back east for a few reasons. We got to talking about life and such and just making the comparisons. The feeling we get when back HOME as compared to being here in sunny California. Work life, personal life, matters of the heart, etc…All of this really got me thinking. It sort of made me sad and the biggest thing that stuck in my mind. At the end of the day even when you have such an incredible network of people in your life. You still feel alone. It was a strange and surprising statement coming from someone of her stature. Immediately you can tell when someone is easy going, an extrovert and just gets along with most if not everyone. I too could relate to her in a way. I have never truly ever felt alone, but I totally understand where she is coming from. The meaning behind those words. Lately I have been going through a few things. Having a lot on my mind and such. Work wise and more. I know I have a semi charmed kind of life. I guess I need to be reminded how good my life is by getting put through the ringer…

When A Heart Breaks

What does it sound like when a heart breaks? What does it feel like when a heart breaks? In the past I was what I would call a lucky one. One who had never felt this feeling before. Always the one getting out of the situation before my heart truly could break. In the past few months I have had my heart broken. A terrible feeling I will admit. Now in hindsight I will say I was not a lucky one to have been so long without feeling this way. The intense feeling one must have for another in order for this to happen. I wish it did not happen, but it did. I have learned from this. Some wish they would have never felt than to felt and loss. How can one truly live without opening themselves up to this. I have grown from this. The sound a heart makes when it breaks…It’s a tear in the dark. It’s the sound of mistake. It’s like a crack of thunder. The way it feels when a heart breaks is like being crushed, run over and then smashed to pieces. It truly does suck. The positive side of heart break is the feeling one has before it happens. That is a feeling I would and will continue to open myself up to. Hopefully it will not always end in heart break. Only time will tell…

Forever Friend

You came into my life by happenstance. At first we did not initially hit it off. A friend of convenience I thought you were. As time passed I realized you were a ‘Forever Friend’. Someone who I would do anything for and felt the same in return. Anytime you are in need, I am there. Good times we share. Memories to last a life time and a bond that is unbreakable. A brother from another mother I would say. Always honest and upfront, never falter and just an incredible friend. Who knew I would find a friend like you in this world. Even after all the times I feel I could strangle you. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world. So much I have learned from you. Growing up is hard to do. Having an incredible friend like you through this journey we call life, makes it all the easier. This I dedicate to you. Friends come and go. Relationships begin and end. A ‘Forever Friend’ is there through it all. They last a life time…

Moments

Have you ever had that moment when you hear something it just takes you? Makes you smile and just feel good? There is a song by FM Static called ‘Tonight’. It gets me thinking about life and just moments. Those moments that are truly cherished and one can never forget. Gets me thinking about the future and having that special someone with me. Missing them and longing to be with them. Looking forward to those feelings. Those incredible feelings.

Half Way There

Life is full of surprises. Full of ups and downs, heartaches, joys, and just some really random stuff. I have learned a lot from it all. I have grown up a lot from it all. I feel really blessed/lucky to have experienced and be a part of it all. My life would not be what it is today if I had not experienced or been a part of it all. I was on an emotional roller coaster recently. Getting over someone is not always easy. I have learned that. I have learned that there other fish out in the sea. There are personal obstacles that could be holding you back. We have to learn to deal with them and get over them. So much I have learned and the year is not even over yet. We are slowly reaching the midyear point. I wanted to write about my reflection on life. This will be my first full year in California and I have to say it is pretty Awesome. I am getting settled finally. Opening myself up to others now that I am pretty much settled and got my stuff together. I’m feeling really good. I thank God for my life. It truly is a blessed/charmed one.

New Understanding

Lately I have been struggling. Struggling with my feelings. I truly do not understand these feelings that I have. I have always had a complete grip on my feelings. Always the one with all the feelings. Able to figure them out and explain to others. Others would always come to me for understanding. Understanding of what they are going through. What they are feeling. After this last escapade with another I am at a loss for words. I received the call. The call that made me feel great the day after. The call that made everything I already knew come to light. The things is that I am still recovering. I never knew it would take this long. I guess because I have never been let down by another, I did not know/do not know completely how to deal. As time goes by I understand. I feel that I am growing. I am understanding and coming to a new light/aspect on life. For the first time in my life I have thought what if. What if I see them in the future? Will we become friends? Am I ok with friendship? So many ‘what if’ questions I have for myself. I do know only time will tell. What if I have realized is just a part of life. No regrets I have. No tears of sadness because I wish it would have different…

Never Give up On Love

“When Love won’t let you walk away and you can’t help who you love.” No matter how many times you say, “This is it. This is the last time I will ever give all of myself. The last time I will fall for someone and let them in.” Each time we meet someone that feeling has a chance of changing. That feeling has a possibility of doing a complete 180. I always say I will never give up on love, but at times I feel like I wish I could. There are those of us that have been burned, beaten down and just put through the ringer so many times; we wonder why we still are so passionate about love. I wonder about this all the time. My only conclusion/reasoning I can come up with is that Love is just so indescribable and an incredible feeling that one does not want to let it go, or give up on it. Even after all that Love has done to me. I think back of all the good things Love has given me and made me feel. I would not ever want to give that back. At the end of the day, the good things Love has given will always trump the bad.

Feeling Alone

The other day I was feeling pretty lonely. Listening to music about relationships, love, heartache, unrequited love, etc. With an already rough week. This got me feeling pretty down and out. Why is it that when we are feeling a little lonely, we focus those feelings on the last love in our lives? We make ourselves believe it is them that has us feeling this way. Like it is their fault we are alone. Their fault we are feeling this way. The reality is that we are just having one of those days. Everyone has one of those days. Sometimes we do something stupid like try to contact that past love or interest. The next day we realize that it is not them they really want, but just a relationship…

Tough Day

Today. Today is a tough day. Have you ever had that someone? That someone who even though you have completely deleted them out of your life, you cannot stop thinking about them. They cross your mind every so often. It did not end badly. It was neither one of your faults. It was just a point where you did not want to wait around any longer. You ended it and now wish you didn’t. Wish you didn’t delete them out of your life. Wish you could rewind time. Take it back to the moment. The moment where everything seemed so perfect. Today is that day. Today I feel like calling. I want to call. Feeling so stupid for feeling this way. Never wanting to feel this way. Never have I ever felt this way. Wondering what this means. Why this one is making me the crazy one that I vowed to never be. Is this what others go through? Is this how it feels after breaking something off that you really wanted? So many questions? So many things left unanswered. If only I had a chance to actually talk to them. Figure things out. Get some closure. I never truly understood why people need closure. Now I get it…

Advice

All my life I friends, strangers, family members, etc. have come to me for advice. Various individuals confide in me with information that they know will be kept. My mother has always told me that I am the type of person people feel at ease with. The type that they feel is an instant friend. The type that makes others feel they have been friends with me for years and surrounding others feel the same. This got me thinking….How many of us out there are advice columnist for our personal network of friends? For those various individuals we meet in our lives? Unfortunately I have not met many of these individuals in my life. Yes, one only needs at least one friend to confide in. Yet I wish there were more out that just for the benefit of others. So many people need that person they can just talk to. The one they can always go to and know after they leave or end speaking with them. It is going to be ok. The information/experience obtained was real and what you needed.

Love

Love made me Blind. Love made a fool of me. Love made everything seem so perfect. Love made me into a sick puppy. Love made everything seem so incredible. Love has done so much to me. Love has fooled me in so many ways. Love has made me cry. Love has made me feel. Love has made me feel incredible. The good and the bad Love has brought into my life. This time Love has really hurt me. Unsure if I will ever trust Love again. Unsure if I want to ever Love again. Love what have you done to me…

Straight Jacket Feeling

Have you ever had that ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’? The feeling that your life is being sucked out of you by another? At moments in our lives, we get ourselves tangled. Sort of trapped in an unhealthy relationship. This could be platonic or romantic. We are put through the ringer and reach a point where we have that ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’. We reach a point where we hold on by letting go. We realize that we are not the problem, they are. You wish the other could understand or feel what you are feeling. This ‘Straight Jacket Feeling’. Maybe then they would understand. When we let go we begin to be ok. Today you are fine without this person in your life. As time passes, the memory of them slips away. You have a better outlook on life. No longer a feeling that your life is being taken from you…

Why Force It...

uring a recent encounter with a potential love interest. I have come to a realization. One should never have to feel they are the only one putting effort into something. If this is the case then why even bother. There is another in the mix that should be putting just as much effort as you are. This got me thinking….Why is it that we continue to pursue those that are obviously disinterested? Is it because we so badly want them to want us? Or could it be we just feel this one could turn into something great? Even though we want all these things it cannot come about unless the feeling is mutual. Sadly this was not the case for me. The best way to get over someone is to totally delete them out of your life in every aspect. This is what needed to be done. This is what has been done. I do know one thing. I will actually miss this one. Usually it takes a bit for someone to get to me. This one was different. For some reason I actually really cared. I saw something in them that maybe they have yet to see in themselves. Even still I hope they one day realize and live up to their full potential. It is all I can hope for. All I can ask.

Scars

Scars remind us of past memories, mistakes, loves. Scars remind us that the past is real. Listening to “Scars” by Papa Roach today got me thinking…Scars are a beautiful thing. Each one holds a story. A story that only the one with the scar can truly tell. At times a scar may represent heartache but at least we lived through it. It reminds us that the past is real. It reminds us to feel. It reminds us that we have lived. With each scar we learn to grow and become a better person. What to do and not do in the future. Scars in opinion are incredible.

Timing

Have you ever met someone that is everything you have been looking for? Everything you always wanted, only to realize the timing is not right? Timing truly is everything. One can meet someone that has all of the qualities they want in another, but because of timing, they cannot be together. The two are in different places in their lives. Each wanting so badly to be with the other. If only they met a few years later, maybe it could have worked. One should not wait around for the other. It is sort of a serendipitous moment. If the two are meant to be together than there will be another time. Later on down the road they may meet again. The timing may be right the next time…

Go with the Flow

Taking it slow or just going with the flow. Is there any harm with going with the flow? Not having a feeling like you are rushing into anything. Just a feeling of wow this is moving fast, but it’s cool. You like the feeling and the feeling is mutual. Why not just go with it? Too many times we receive advice from others or even the one we are with. They feel the romance is moving too fast. Sometimes there is such an incredible and out of this world connection that we should just go with it. So what if others think it will not last. What matters most is what the two in the relationship think…

How do you Know...When it's over

How do you know? How do you know when it is over? Was it over before it began? As we begin to date someone, we know if it is going to last. We know if it will be just something for the moment. Meeting someone and wishing they could be the one for the long haul. We know inside this is not the case. We know they will only be around for a short while. At times, because we want someone to be the one. The one that is around for the long haul, we become more attached than we should. When that moment hits us and we realize it is over. We are a little hurt inside. The other will never know how hurt we are. They will only know that it is over as well. The two of you know it, but until one speaks up…The two of you continue to head down this downward spiral. Eventually hitting a point where it ends in a most undesirable way. Breakups are never easy. Breakups are never pretty. The thing is we should end a relationship, hanging out, or whatever it is called when we know it is over. Holding on only makes it harder and hurt more in the end.

Someone

So Lonely Inside, So busy out there. All you want is somebody who cares. Someone who thinks of you as much as you think of them. Someone who would go the extra mile to see you, to do something for you. Someone who loves all of your flaws. The quirky and strange parts of you. Someone who just knows you inside and out and appreciates you. When you are away from them, they miss you and you feel it. Sure there are parts you wish you could change, but you still love every part. They still love every part. All you want is someone who gets you. They just somehow get you. Once you meet this someone, you wonder where you went right. It is a mystery how you got here, but at the end of the day somehow you get it. Somehow now you do…

Liking Someone

"It doesn't matter if you like boys or girls. It is finding the right person. That is one of life's great mystery. When that person comes along, you'll know. Everyone else you have ever been with, it just pales in comparison. It will not matter what anyone else thinks, because you'll be happy and you'll know." Coach

Thoughts on His Mind

He sits at his desk staring intently at his spreadsheets. From the untrained eye, it would seem as though he is truly into his work on this very day. What others do not see, is that he is unable to concentrate. Thoughts on his mind. Thoughts of a her…He wonders, where she came from. How he is lucky enough to get a girl like this. There is so much he thinks and wants to tell her. Although, his ego and masculinity prevents him from ever showing his true feelings, so soon. On the exterior he plays it cool. Never falters…As he leaves work and arrives home, he begins to zone out once again. Lost in thoughts of her. Thinking about the way she moves, the curves of her body, the way she smiles and is always so modest about her achievements. Her winning personality and incredible charisma. Those eyes. The eyes that seem to look deep in his soul every time they connect with his. Where does one find a girl like this. There has to be something wrong with her, he thinks. Always guarded and afraid to let another in. The last girl he truly let in, tore him apart. She broke his heart and shattered it to pieces. Wanting this one to be different, he begins to take that chance. Moving at a much slower pace than usual. Forming a type of friendship, but at the same time, a romance. Unsure of his feelings at times, but knowing this is the one he wants to be with…

Today

Today I realized. Realized how much you were mistreated. For so long I never realized. I now understand why you are so closed off. Afraid to let anyone close. Afraid to let anyone in. I know you have been hurt in the past. Burned by those close to you. The ones you trusted and loved for so long. Family, Friends, Lovers…A tough life you have had. A life I would not wish on anyone. In this new place you can start anew. Create your own family and friends. Who says family has to be blood. I can be a part of your family. A friend that is there for you. Eventually a network will develop. Friendships will develop. A family created. You will have created a new life. Have everything you ever dreamed of. A Lover you have only dreamed about. The things that seemed so impossible. The ones you thought could only happen on the big screen, could become your life. You CAN have a happily ever after. You WILL have a happily ever after.

Thoughts on Her Mind

There’s a girl awake late a night. Unable to sleep, with such thoughts on her mind. She sits alone in her room at night and thinks about her life. She wonders how she got here. How did this happen. Thinking these feelings and emotions were locked away forever, never to resurface. Now that she has met someone different and unique in every since. The idea of never truly letting someone in, is once again debated. How could another like this exist. This is impossible. Guys like this only exist in fairy tales. Able to read your thoughts. Sense a feeling of emotion even from afar. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. All of these thoughts run through her mind. She to be optimistic and soon her positive thinking kicks in. Everything seems possible. She is willing to begin this journey. As she drifts off to sleep. She smiles and thinks about the next day. Looking forward to an understanding. Excited for what will happen next. What the future holds is but a mystery…

Guarded

How many of us are guarded when it comes to matters of the heart? Whether it is with our friends or potential love interest? Have you considered, why you are so guarded? I have realized I have a fear of truly being burned again. My first love. The one I truly gave my all to, really got to me. I was in tears and so broken hearted that I vowed to never feel that way ever again. Now that I’ve met someone who seems like they could be the real deal, I must learn once again to open up. Give as much as I am getting. It is only fair to do so and the only way for the potential of a relationship to transform into an actual relationship.

Connected

Is it possible to be connected with someone so soon after meeting. Less than a month passes and you feel connected to this person. The other night I was in a restless state. Laying in bed trying to fall asleep, but could not for some reason. Usually I never have any issue passing out/falling asleep. I can pretty much sleep anywhere as long as it is not freezing cold. Even then I have done so. While laying in bed I hear this voice. Telling me to relax and saying other things. Now the crazy part about it is that I could swear it was my new potential. I have had a lot on my mind lately and a little worried but how would they know. How could they know what is going on in my mind and be able to soothe and comfort me without actually being present…This got me thinking is it really possible to be connected with someone? In tune with their feelings, thoughts, and emotions? I believe anything is possible, but still a little taken back when it happens to me. As a dear friend of mine says, “The situation is always different when it is happening to you.”

Jumping to Relationship Status

In speaking with a friend the other day i discovered some incredible insight on relationships. Now these are ideas/thoughts that we all have already discovered and know. The thing is, we do not really take it in until it is said by another. In the most ideal relationships, we meet another that we feel is the one. The romance begins at a slow and steady pace and then accelarates so quickly that neither one of you know what hit them. During those first few dates the two of you feel there is so much in common. The goals and aspirations are in sync. The two of you are able to speak on a level that is unmatched by others. The thoughts and energy the two of you have is incredible. These feelings make the both you want to jump to the point of relationship at an accelarated rate. Every romance should not be rushed. Time should be taken to get to know one another. Court each other and build up the romance.

You Know

You know one of my secrets. Something no one else knows. You know. I feel close to you. Comfortable with you. Willing to take a chance and tell you things i would normally keep to myself. Lock inside and never let out. You make me want to open up. Be free of these chains. Free of any burdens. Everything feels lighter when I am with you. When I am away from you I also begin to feel lighter on my own. Able to take on my challenges. New challenges. Dive in head first without hesitation. I hope to one day know one of your secrets. Get you to feel comfortable enough around me to open up. Tell me things you would only tell a stranger, because they don't know you and wouldn't judge you. I want to give you strength. An extra leap in your step and boost of confidence without even realizing it. It's what i want. What I need. What I feel...

Who Knows, I know, I hope

Who knows if you are the one for me. Who knows if I am the one for you. Who knows if this will work out. Who knows if my personal issues will get in the way...I do know that I like you. I know you like me too. I know I want this work. I know it could work. I know I want to take a chance on you. I hope you want take a chance on me. Let whatever this is in the beginning stages, develop into something more. I hope you are the one for me, but who knows....

Afraid

How do you know? How do you know when you meet someone, they are the one that will last forever? The one you want to be with forever? Is it when you think about them all the time? Waking up in the morning wondering what they are doing? Wishing you could see them sleeping next to you? Have them wake up with you, beside you? When the two of you touch it is something like you have never felt before. Something so incredible. You hope in your heart this will be the one. Asking yourself inside, “Can I spend my life with you?” Could we be so afraid of it not working out that we sabotage the relationship? The prospect of a relationship? Afraid of taking the chance and putting our heart on the line? Why not throw all logic out the window and go with what we are feeling instead of our logical reasoning. Love does not make sense. It really is not suppose to. There are many out there that we have no idea why they are together. This is because you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Endevaours

Something New. Something Different. We should  all aspire to take on new endevaours in our lives. A new challenge. Start of a new adventure. Even if we do not end up liking the end result. The experience  we gain from each activity is priceless, timeless and at times...Classic.