Something Borrowed

The other day i came across this movie called 'Something Borrowed'. This movie was basically about standing up for yourself. Putting yourself first before others. Worrying about your own happiness before others. In the film there is Rachel who is best friends with Darcy and has always stood aside in order for Darcy to be happy. Only when love comes into the picture does she realize she has been putting others happiness before hers her whole life. This got me thinking...How many of us have missed on a chance of love, a promotion at work, or even some small event that could have changed our lives? All of this because we were too afraid to speak up and stand up for what we want. I struggle to write this due to the fact I have missed out on some incredible opportunities because of this. Only in the past couple years have I realized/learned to think about me. Worry about my happiness and others happiness will follow. Now I am not saying to become self absorbed but no one is going to take care of you besides yourself. Truly take care of you and look out for you that is...

I Got You

I got you. I'm here for you. It's ok. It's going to be ok. When you're feeling alone. Feeling like you can't go on. Come here and stay a while. Need someone to sit with you and I mean just sit with you for a while. I got you. That's what i'm here for. A shoulder to cry on. Open arms await you. Feel the warmth and know it will be alright. We all have our moments. Moments of weakness, breakdowns and a sense that we just cannot go on. When those times arise and you are feeling this way....I'm here. Stay as long as you like. Stay until you feel life isn't so bad. Until you once again feel you can go on. I'm here. I'll always be here. "A place to crash. I got you. No need to ask. I got you. Just get on the phone I got you. Come and pick you up if i have to. I'm proud to say i got you." L.L.

Self Worth

Who do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you like what you see? When does one realize their self worth. Realize their true potential. Realize the value they offer to others and how to harness it. Some may realize this at an early age, while others need time to develop and mold themselves before this happens. The way we are raised is a key part of this. Ones self-esteem plays a huge part in feeling if you are worthy. Worthy of a better life, job, friends, lovers, town, etc..At time we get stuck. Stuck in a monotonous routine. Time goes by so quickly and we wake up to realize so much has been missed. So much time has been wasted. I have been blessed in my life to have those around me with constant encouraging words. Pushing me to become better, become more than I think I could be. Some would say I live a semi-charmed kind of life. I on the other hand would say I have been blessed with an incredible network of people/family that has been there for me. Prove to yourself that you matter. Tell yourself that you matter. At the end of the day you are the only one who can analyze and change yourself. Society tends to push us into counseling and give us the need we cannot do things without others. We can. You can. You are worth so much more than you think you are.

Pay It Forward

I've never truly realized the power of being there for others. I myself have always been one to go the extra mile for another. Some may call me a push over, while others would call it genuine love for another/mankind. Tough times have hit lately so friends and strangers have been pouring in with open arms, love, hugs, helping hands, etc...Being one that seriously loves to help and be there for another. I sure am not accustomed to receiving this type of treatment in return. As of late I have realized it is OK to receive help from another. People are here on this earth to help one another. To educate and better ourselves and to pay it forward.

Beautiful People

Why is that people assume if you are good looking or beautiful, life is easy? The lives of these people are just the same as everyone else. The only difference is that these select few were blessed with incredible genes. I know a few people that are stunning. If you look at them one would think they are soo lucky to have those genes. The thing is that yes they are lucky to look like that, but they could also have the same struggles you do if not worse. We should all give consideration. Take a step back and think about it. Everyone has problems in this world. Whether big or small, everyone has a moment where things do not go right.

Sunday Brunch

This past Sunday i was invited to an impromptu brunch. It turned out to be a small group of 8 single guys and a couple. Each and everyone of them unique in their own way. Each and everyone of them gay in their own way. It was pretty incredible. The ironic thing was that just the other day I was talking to my sham Alison about how to work on being more gay. What a better way to do so than on Sunday brunch with a group of incredible, interesting and just really cool gay guys. The cool part of this brunch was that it was a combination of friends of our gracious host who wanted to combine all his good friends me through his short time of living in West Hollywood. Everyone brought something to contribute to the party and of course as I LOVE Mimosa's on a Sunday or as one of crazy east coast buddies calls them. Sipping on some Shampipples. All the food was prepared and then we began to introduce ourselves and figuring out how everyone knew the host. This one guy we'll call Abercrombie came in with his boyfriend Fitch. Abercrombie was a total delight. Asking how i know the host and who brought me and such. My friend I went with who we'll call papi chulo use to date my best friend banker. Banker and papi chulo are no longer together and it was interesting how everyone was suprised i could be such good friends with a best friends ex. We are all adults here so why not. Anywho brunch ensues. Drinking Ensues and the consumption on delicious food. Conversation is flowing and just a good time. After about an hour the brunch turns into a shot dessert party. It was pepper schanpps, chocolate syrup and whip cream. Idea was you have to sit in a chair stick your tounge out. Pour Chocolate syrup on your tounge, take the shot and then open wide to be filled with whip cream. I Know, I know sounds like trouble. It was totally fun and the combination of the three left a most pleasant taste in your mouth. Needless to say the participants were all feeling pretty good after. After a few minutes the real show starts. The tony awards comes to Casa De Homo. Two guys burst into song and start acting out the production of 'Avenue Q', 'Rent', and a touch of 'Dream Girls' of course...Anywho it turned into 3 performing in front of a small VIP audience that just LOVED every part of it. I had a chance to get to know some pretty interesting and amazing people. The song and dance was AMAZING. It seriously did feel like we were at the tony awards. Also, I felt like I was going to just get up and burst out in song myself. A few songs come on and one is finding it very difficlut to fight the allure of song and dance. Although I did a great job of doing so. Even with the performers egging me on to complete the group. We could have called ourselves Gayasia the Gay N'Syn or Desitny's Gay Child.

Perpetually Single

Why are some individuals perpetually single? Why am I perpetually single? These are two questions i still have yet to figure out. At times we all love being single. Being single is pretty incredible. Although there are most definitely those times I wish there was another around. Someone to tell a crazy story to. Someone to come home to.

This Guy

There is this guy I met recently. Wanting to take things so slow, do things right and see where it goes this time. I usually fall pretty hard and never really let it show. Everyone including my close friends always feel the other guy is completely smitten when it's actually me. I just am a fool for love or the prospect of love i guess...This got me thinking about my dating life. The past year I was on a roll. Date after date after date just looking to settle down and do it up with someone immediately. Never really wanting to go through those beginning stages of dating. Always wanting to jump right in the middle of a relationship instead. This year I vowed to myself to do things differently. Get my life situated and find some solid direction in my life. If a guy comes along and a date ensues then so be it. Wanting to take things slow and just be in the moment. Truly enjoy those moments in the beginning. Well Who knows what may come of this. Come what may...All I know is right now I'm smiling...

Christmas/Holidays 2011

Christmas is a wonder time of the year. Traditionally it is a time where families get together and have a most festive time. In the past years this time has changed and evolved. Instead of just families getting together it has evolved into friends, lovers and others getting together during this time of year. The holidays are a time where people who normally would not be together any other time of the year get together. Last Christmas I was with friends. We had a Gay ol' time cooking, laughing, drinking and just enjoying each others company...This year I will be spending Christmas once again in So Cal. It will an interesting Christmas as I really do not have any plans. Most likely it will be with my best friends family with a TON of over eating. As of late I have realized that even though my Christmas and New Years have all been pretty memorable and amazing I have been single. I am truly looking forward to that this time of the year where I am spending time with my special someone. Whether it is with friends in tow or not. It will be truly epic.

Unsent Letter

In life sometimes there are things left unsaid. Sometimes there are those moments that you wish could happen, but never do. The other day I came across a letter I wrote to a special someone. At the time I was feeling a sense of longing. Yearning for them to be with me. Only in California for a year at the time. Makes me wonder why i never sent this letter. Why I still have not parted with it.... "... I've been in Cali for almost a year now. It is so weird and surreal to think that is has been that long since i last saw you. The last time I was in Philly, my attempt to surprise you with a visit, failed. My cell died and for about an hour as i sat contemplating how to get in, no one walked out. It did not even cross my mind that i could have knocked on your window through the back alley. I was taken back and just speechless when i received your post card in the mail. Even though much was not written, i felt EVERYTHING. Every feeling for you I have been trying to forget came rushing back. I live, we live so...so far apart from one another. I thought it would be easier to forget you. The problem is that i really do not want to forget you. I wish nothing, but for you to be out here in California. I just want you to come on your own accord. It is difficult to write and not get choked up. I just want you here with me. Live in Cali. We date and court one another all over again. Life is about taking chances and i am all for them. I am just afraid if we do not work out then what will you do. I would hate for someone to move three thousand miles for me and then be left out alone in the cold because it was not "meant to be." i care for you greatly and wish nothing more than a happy life. I just need to be realistic, yet keep secretly wishing. You are truly an ultimate dream that i wish would come true. Gabriel

Reflection/This Life

As I sit here and stare at my reflection I ponder... I wonder how this person standing in front of me came to be. Why have I been chosen to lead this path in life. How am I so blessed to chosen to do this. At times I wonder what has happened. What have i done to get here. How exactly did I get here. There are so many out there wishing they could be in my shoes. I think to myself, I do not want this life. I think to myself, so many would kill for this life. What are these feelings I am having. Why do I feel this way? Why do I suddenly have all these questions? These dreams I've been having lately make me wonder. Make me question my life. Is it truly what i wanted? Is this what I have worked for? Only time will tell I guess...

Who You Are

Who are you is who you are. It matters not what others think. Trying to fit in. Trying to be someone else and not realizing your own potential. The other day I was catering a holiday party for my ski/snowboard club. This was most definitely a difficult task as it tested me. Staying true to myself. Staying true to my vision. There were many adversities in the planning of this event and menu. I seriously felt like I was being doubted the whole way. Although the end result was a total success. This got me thinking... Being true to who you are is so important. Even when you are feeling like you should change for another. Change for a group in order to stay current, fit in, or just feel a sense of belonging. What we sometimes do not realize is that being true to who we are makes us incredible. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes we feel there is no other way. We do not want to look back and wonder what happened. Thinking to one's self, "How did I get here? What happened to me? The real me. This is all apart of the journey we call life. Remember, "Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing and it is OK to not be OK." Don't lose who you are. I truly believe and am pretty sure. Who you are is pretty incredible. Everybody hurts sometimes. It is apart of what makes us who we are. All the experiences we have in our life happen for a reason.

The One That Got Away

A majority of us have that one person we call 'The One that got Away'. I personally have been thinking about this one lately. Katy Perry has a new song with this title. I discovered it recently thanks to my wonderful spotify player. This got me thinking about time. What if we could turn back time? What if we could actually go back to that one moment where we realize we lost them? The point where you see that you have screwed up and wish you could change it. That one moment that truly could of made everything diffent. Changed your future. For better or worse, we shall never know. I have realized though that we cannot turn back time for a reason. Everything that happens in our lives always happens for a reason. Usually in that moment, we do not realize what exactly is going on. All we can see is what could have been different. All we could think about is going back. Going back and fixing the moment. Later in the future we recall this moment. There is usally something that triggers it conciously or subconciously. On one side it makes us smile and on the other side it makes us sad. I hope for everyone that the happiness always out weighs the sadness. "The One that Got Away" Has helped me grow and become a better person. I hope for those who have their own 'one that got away' feels the same. To those that are still broken hearted or a feeling a little better. Worry not. It really does get better. It is very cliche to say but, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel." Sometimes it takes some longer to see it than others...

New York New York

Recently I ventured back to my hometown to run the Men's Health Urbanathlon. It was truly a liberating experience. The months of training i put myself through have truly paid off. I felt so exhilarated and perfectly balanced as I was running this course and getting through all of the obstacles. Being back in the city felt just RIGHT. I am still unsure of what it is, but being back home in New York just makes me feel so incredible. Also, everytime I leave I feel incredibly melancholy for about a week. One day I may move back to that irristable city. All of my friends tell me it is truly inevitable. Who knows...I will admit I slowly become to Love California more and more. Although there is just still nothing like New York City....

It's Been A While

It has been a while since I have actually written a post. I ended up completely demolishing my computer a few months ago. It seriously has been incredibly difficult to write without out it. Although I will have to say...Being without technology is pretty liberating. There is nothing better than being able to focus on oneself. I have literally been focusing on me for the past few months. These past few months have been eye opening and have helped me grow. One thing I have realized is that you seriously have to work to make it look easy. Balancing living your life along with dealing with all of your personal responsibilites and goals...Anywho I am back and thankful to be able to write again.

Cheers

Sometimes

Some days I just don’t know. Sometimes I’m lost. Somehow I find my way. There are those times where I feel completely alone. Afraid of my future. Afraid of what is going to happen next. I wonder…why do I feel this way? Will these feelings ever change? Years go by and I get older. Years go by and I become wiser. The one thing that remains the same are my thoughts about love. My feelings about romance. Some days, I am so sure. Other days, I am just so lost. So unsure of what it is I really want. I try to always go with the flow. I try to take life as it come. “Roll with the punches,” as they say. When someone ask do I know what I really want my answer depends on the day. It all depends how I feel. Sometimes I am full of thoughts. I can express myself so well. Explain what it is that I want in such detail. Sometimes I fumble with my words. Trying to say what it is I want. I never use to feel like this. Ever since you left I just don’t know. I use to know so well. Now without you here I just don’t…

Missing You

“I don’t know how to be something you’d miss.” I remember that night. Remember like it was just yesterday. You told me you loved me. So why did you go, away? I never thought we would end like this. I never thought we would ever have our last kiss. What I would give to be able to push you away again. What I would give to hold you again. I stay in touch with our circle of friends only to inquire how you are. I remember the day you came to my door. So nervous yet excited. I saw it in your eyes. You told me you loved me. I thought this would last forever. I never thought you would change your mind. I use to think one day we would tell the story of us. I guess that is all in the past. I hope you’re doing well. I still hope one day you will realize you wish you hadn’t left. I guess these feelings will always be with me. I will move on, but I know I will always miss you…

Perfect Date/Relationship

We all dream of the perfect date. A few of us have written several variations on our online dating profiles…When we finally get that ‘perfect date’ it is completely surreal. An incredible feeling that you seriously can get caught up and lost in. Very few of us truly express ourselves and say what we really want from another, a potential mate, what were looking for. When we finally meet someone that expresses themselves as much as ourselves, it is refreshing. It feels like we have finally met someone we can see something real with. Although there are those small deal breakers, we hope that in time compromise and communication will fix those things. Talking to a friend the other day we got pretty in depth of what each of us are looking for in another. Figuring and questioning whether either one of us are ready for a partner. Whether we truly want a partner at this point in our lives. It is always interesting to hear what your friends think of you. What they feel you want in another. Whether they think you are ready for something serious or not. This conversation got my mind going all night and this morning when I woke up. I wonder at times…Will I ever find that special someone.

Have you...

Have you ever dated someone for a short period of time, but really felt connected and you cannot figure out why. Even though the two of you are no longer together, there is still something. Something that makes you wonder how they are. Wonder what they are making of their lives. All romantic feelings are null and void yet you still care. Still wanting them to know you are there for them. This a feeling that is pretty unexplainable. Especially for a type of person that prides themselves in never getting truly attached. Always able to overcome/getting over the adversities in life. Something to think about. Why is it that we are so afraid of showing our weaknesses? What we consider a weakness others consider a strength or a way to grow stronger. Why is that?...

Direction

Who am I suppose to be anyway. Everyone seems to know besides me. In our lives it is suggested or we are told who we are suppose to be. Someone else always sees a direction for you. A life mission that you should be on and they wonder why you are not. I have always been told I should be in a social enviroment. A social engaging style job that is constantly changing. I agree with this completely. The only problem is overcoming that fear. The fear of failure. Everyone is told you never know until you try. There is nothing to be afraid of and take those chances. One even tells themselves these things every so often. The difference in hearing or telling yourself something is compeltely different from actually doing it. What is it that holds us back? What is it that makes us think we cannot do it? How am I suppose to do this? I guess I'll never know until I try.

Never Told You...Missing You

I never told you how incredible you were. I never told you how much I admired you. The passion you had for such things. The drive you had was incredible. I never told you how thankful I am to have known you. How lucky I felt for you to have come into my life. I never told you what I have should have said. I kept all these things inside. Held them in. All of those times I knew I could come to you for anything. Even if it was just to listen. The greatest moments I cherished were when we use to just sit together on the roof top. We would stare up into the stars in complete silence and contentment. Nothing else in the world mattered and those were the best of times. Without saying a word we said so much. There is so much I miss. So much I wish I would have told you. Today I am missing you. Today I wish you were here. Today I need you here. You were the only one I could truly talk to. The only that truly knew me and truly understood me. You left too soon. Departed to early. I will forever miss you…

Fear

“Too often fear immobilizes people.” Fear is something that holds us back. Prevents our dreams from becoming a reality. Our lives are ever changing. One cannot predict what is going to happen from one moment to the next. Why let fear stand in our way? One can never really know what their future holds. What will happen and is going to happen, if they let fear control the outcome. We must keep marching on and fight through our fears. The outcome could be fantastic…

Somteims it just feels right

There are certain people you just keep coming back to. A certain someone that no matter what you can’t stop thinking about them. Randomly they pop in your head. Sometimes it’s hard to think about them. Sometimes it just feels so right. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Sometimes you have to let go to find out if there is something there. Sometimes you have to go through a little pain to truly appreciate what you have. Appreciate who you have in your life…

Sometimes you figure it out

“Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes good bye is the only way. I was falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart, that’s still bleeding. I try my best to be guarded, but I’m an open book instead.” Moving on. Starting a new. A fresh start. It really is not easy. Even when we find someone new that we feel is better suited for us. We still think about the past. Those past loves. Past relationships. Past experiences. This is not because we wish we were with someone else. It is simply the fact that it takes time to move on. In pain there is healing. No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one ever said it was going to be hard. Growing up we are not taught what to do or how to deal with despair, when someone is breaking our hearts. As we grow up we learn ourselves. We teach ourselves. With each and every person we encounter in our lives we learn something new. Feel something different. An ever evolving feeling and learning experience. The only advice one can truly give another, is to be strong. Stay with it. Never give up. Everything in our lives happens for a reason. We just need to figure out what that reason is each time…

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it truly feels good to be here on this earth another year. On ones birthday everything is suppose to go incredibly smooth and just RIGHT. This got me thinking about a few things…Every year in our lives we celebrate the date of our birth. Living another year and appreciate what we have now, as compared to in the past. Every year we get older and sometimes wiser. This past year I learned a few things about myself. I have been put through the ringer regarding matters of the heart and learned to be more independent and self sufficient. My knowledge of self has grown tremendously. It is true that every year and every day we learn something new. Experience something different in our lives. Recently I have had a lot on my mind with matters of the heart and realizing where I really want to be. This year I know everything will come together…

Drama

Drama I often hear, people would rather do without. I hear other says they live a drama free life. Drama is something that most try to stay away from. For those who are blessed enough to have no drama in their lives sort of crave it. Search for little tid bits of drama. Never truly wanting to be involved. Although they still have that intrigue of what it is like. An experience that is foreign only to a select few. Through movies and television drama can be experienced. Through real life experiences this can happen as well. In speaking with a friend the other day about drama of course I began to wonder…Drama in some people’s lives is extraordinary. In order to have some sort of drive there is a drive. A passion and feeling that is so intense it creates a type of drama. Regarding relationships. Is it healthy to have a little drama in one? Is it unhealthy to have absolutely no drama in one? Every relationship (friends or lovers) needs a moment where feelings are expressed. Yes, these feelings and emotions can be expressed in less dramatic ways. Although what about those fights, debates and arguments. I truly believe every great, true and lasting relationship should have moments of intense emotion. This shows the other how you truly feel about them. Being blasé, chill, or calm all the time or never truly getting heated about anything is sort of ideal. It is not reality. Expressing oneself truly will result in a small tit for tat at times. At other times a huge blow up. These experiences remind us that we are alive. Remind us key elements about life and growing…

Just Don't Fit

Have you ever been in a crowded room surrounded by friends but still feel incomplete? A feeling that you just do not fit? The other day I attended an incredible BBQ. It was full of great food, great friends, tasty drinks and flavorful food. All the while I am with this group I have that recurring feeling. The one that I have been having lately. This is incredible. I love California, but something inside just tells me you don’t fit in. I feel like I do not fit in. Looking around and seeing how others interact with one another, the chemistry of old and new friends, etc…The thought, the feeling that you Just Don’t Fit is a very melancholy feeling. A solution could be another move to another part of California. San Francisco for instance. Maybe I will realize at the end of my discovery period that the west coast is not right for me. I already know I truly love and am an east coaster at heart. Experiences are a part of life. I am always up for an adventure. Taking chances and just finding out more about myself. This move is a prime example. Hopefully by this year’s close I will realize where I should really be. Find my place in this world. Each day I get a little closer. Every moment I feel a little closer…

Understaing/Relating

Moving back home or staying? A constant thought that has been on my mind since I moved out to the west coast. The other day I met a really cool, young, bright and vivacious friend of a friend. She is moving back east for a few reasons. We got to talking about life and such and just making the comparisons. The feeling we get when back HOME as compared to being here in sunny California. Work life, personal life, matters of the heart, etc…All of this really got me thinking. It sort of made me sad and the biggest thing that stuck in my mind. At the end of the day even when you have such an incredible network of people in your life. You still feel alone. It was a strange and surprising statement coming from someone of her stature. Immediately you can tell when someone is easy going, an extrovert and just gets along with most if not everyone. I too could relate to her in a way. I have never truly ever felt alone, but I totally understand where she is coming from. The meaning behind those words. Lately I have been going through a few things. Having a lot on my mind and such. Work wise and more. I know I have a semi charmed kind of life. I guess I need to be reminded how good my life is by getting put through the ringer…

When A Heart Breaks

What does it sound like when a heart breaks? What does it feel like when a heart breaks? In the past I was what I would call a lucky one. One who had never felt this feeling before. Always the one getting out of the situation before my heart truly could break. In the past few months I have had my heart broken. A terrible feeling I will admit. Now in hindsight I will say I was not a lucky one to have been so long without feeling this way. The intense feeling one must have for another in order for this to happen. I wish it did not happen, but it did. I have learned from this. Some wish they would have never felt than to felt and loss. How can one truly live without opening themselves up to this. I have grown from this. The sound a heart makes when it breaks…It’s a tear in the dark. It’s the sound of mistake. It’s like a crack of thunder. The way it feels when a heart breaks is like being crushed, run over and then smashed to pieces. It truly does suck. The positive side of heart break is the feeling one has before it happens. That is a feeling I would and will continue to open myself up to. Hopefully it will not always end in heart break. Only time will tell…

Forever Friend

You came into my life by happenstance. At first we did not initially hit it off. A friend of convenience I thought you were. As time passed I realized you were a ‘Forever Friend’. Someone who I would do anything for and felt the same in return. Anytime you are in need, I am there. Good times we share. Memories to last a life time and a bond that is unbreakable. A brother from another mother I would say. Always honest and upfront, never falter and just an incredible friend. Who knew I would find a friend like you in this world. Even after all the times I feel I could strangle you. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world. So much I have learned from you. Growing up is hard to do. Having an incredible friend like you through this journey we call life, makes it all the easier. This I dedicate to you. Friends come and go. Relationships begin and end. A ‘Forever Friend’ is there through it all. They last a life time…